I have a problem with never being satisfied. Or, I guess I should say, with only being satisfied for a very short time before something needs to change again. Even when things are going really well, I’m antsy, looking for things to improve or change about myself or my life. There’s always something that’s wrong or needs fixing, always something in the way of being content with how things are going now. There’s always something that could be better.
I think, to some extent, this desire for change and betterment is simply a part of my personality—I love seeking out newness and working toward growth. To some extent, many of us have this natural drive toward new experiences and change—and that’s perfectly ok. Correct for us, even.
The problem, for me, is when I stop approaching the desire for new experiences or change with a sense of curiosity, and instead look at my life with a critical, berating eye: an eye that refuses to be satisfied with anything, and sees only what needs to change.
I’ve been in that critical, berating rut for a few days. I’ve been stuck staring at what feels less than satisfactory, all the problems I seem to have. I’ve been tricked, before, into believing that the solution to this sort of dissatisfied attitude is to try and solve all your problems by making changes and improvements to your life.
When practiced, this doesn’t act as a solution at all, but a way to perpetuate the feeling of dissatisfaction.
So then, what is the solution to our dissatisfaction? What is the way through the never-ending problems that are preventing us from ever being content?
The first step is to determine if your problem is rooted in something that actually needs to change. Sometimes we really do need to change something to feel better, and should go about making that change. Other times—the times I’m focusing on, here—instead of trying to make changes, we need to accept and appreciate things as they are.
After all, as the late psychotherapist Carl Rogers said, “as soon as you accept yourself as you are, then you can change.” So much of what prevents things from changing on their own is our resistance to accepting them as they are right now.
So, if you’re still with me: do you need to do something immediately to solve your problems? (If so, go start on that.) If not, and the problems you think you need to solve are more of an attitude or a patience problem…your solution is to fix your attitude, muster up some patience, and find where gratitude lives within you.
How annoying.
The plain and simple truth is that we’re always going to have problems. There will be problems for us at every stage, on every page. We will always have something to worry about, there will always be something to lament, and there will always be parts of your life that are less than satisfactory. If we’re focused on the problems, then problems are what we will see.
I’m starting to understand this—that if I’m constantly looking for things to change in my life, I’m missing out on the beauty that is already present. I’m not appreciating what I do have. I’m actually missing the ways that life is solving my problems on its own, without my neurotic input. I’m too busy trying to fix and change and improve that I forget that I have access to peace, satisfaction, and fulfillment within the scope of this day.
Satisfaction does not live in the future: If we can’t be fulfilled by what’s here, now, we won’t be fulfilled by what’s over there, then. In other words, we will never be satisfied, if we are zoomed in on all the things we are dissatisfied by. As Michael Singer of The Untethered Soul says:
“The only time everything is going to be ok is when you are ok with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be ok.”
Can we be ok with everything—even the things that suck and are hard, the things we want to change? What would acceptance and even appreciation for what life is right now feel like?
I don’t think I can stop trying to change and improve myself or my life, nor do I want to. It’s a part of who I am. But I do think I can practice being grateful for the stage of life I’m in right now, and practice trusting that this part is important, too. This stage I’m in right now, which includes my problems and grievances, is what’s happening right now. It’s my life, now. I don’t want to wait to feel fulfilled until I finally reach the greener grass on the other side of the fence of my theoretical future, where I’ve gotten my degree, and am earning more money, living in a different area, and have more friends. I want to enjoy now. I want to be able to find satisfaction in my days, now.
Luckily, I can. And so can you.
Life will change regardless of if we want it to or not: we aren’t in control of much of anything. When we feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied, our job may not be to try and fix it, but to accept it. Appreciate it, even, if we can. It may be that our job is to work on being ok with the way things are—and then, of course, with the way those things change, again and again.
Maggie