Ask Maggie #1 & 2 — Relationship Resentment and Seeking Love

Giving too much of yourself can cause resentment; Seeking love is a passive and active process (yes, dating advice).

As I mentioned last week, I’m starting a new advice column series called Ask Maggie. I’ve gotten a few responses so far and will answer two this week. I’ll get to all of them eventually, so keep them coming! I will also continue regular Actual Honesty posts, of course, but feel that it’s time for a little something new.

If you’re seeking clarity, looking for answers or need a relatively neutral opinion about what you could (and don’t have to) do—send in an anonymous question to me HERE.

I will answer it honestly, using my philosophically informed, therapist-in-training perspective. Sometimes, the process of writing something out helps us realize we already have the answer. Sometimes, all it takes is to hear what we know reflected back to us.

That’s what I’m here for!

With that said—

1. Relationship Resentment

[Dear Maggie]

I have a hard time connecting with myself and [am] feeling like this will leave me to always feel lonely. I’m genuinely fueled by supporting and nurturing my loved ones and my relationships with them. So much that I sometimes feel resentful and wish the effort and care would be reciprocated equally. I know I should love and care for myself the way I do others, but also just want to be cared for the way I care for others.

Dear Relationally unbalanced,

As I think you already know, it’s unsustainable to always be pouring from your cup into others’ without receiving enough in return to refill it. Taking care of others can feel fulfilling and purposeful for a while, but if the relationship remains unbalanced, resentment will sneak in. Resentment is something to pay attention to—it has the potential to cause a lot of damage if left ignored.

It makes a lot of sense why you’ve been feeling resentful: you’ve been consistently offering too much of yourself without feeling properly appreciated or cared for in return. What you’ve been doing is not working anymore. Congratulations for getting to this point—it’s hard to admit that the relationships you love the most don’t feel reciprocal.

You say you have a hard time feeling connected to yourself, and that this will lead to loneliness in the future. Yet, it seems like loneliness is here, already: you’re holding onto resentment, which causes disconnection within relationships, and you’re [mostly] alone in these feelings. That’s loneliness. I think you’re right in realizing that if you don’t address your current feelings, the loneliness may increase and your relationships may suffer.

We all need self-love and self-care, AND we need to be loved and cared for by others. You can’t give yourself everything you need. Other people cannot give you everything you need, either. It’s got to be a combination of both. We must find a balance of giving and receiving if we want to feel satisfied, fulfilled, appreciated.

Here’s what I think you want: to feel deeply valued and cared for by your people, and to be able to connect with yourself meaningfully. I think both things may happen in succession: feeling more connected to yourself allows you to better assess what you are able to offer others, AND help you better communicate what you want or need in return. You can absolutely get to that place, with a little self-inquiry and action.

Here are some practical steps forward you may want to try:

Pay attention to when you feel resentful. Is it at certain times of the day? Is it when you perform certain tasks? Is it when the other person expects you to do something and takes your usual generosity for granted? Pay attention to when it comes up.

Carve out time to connect with yourself regularly. If you don’t know how to connect with yourself—now is a beautiful opportunity to find out. For me, it’s writing to myself with a pen on paper, sitting alone outside, and reading. My advice to you, my dear, is to figure out how to connect to yourself, and do it often.

Ask yourself what you’re desiring from the relationships that you feel lacking in. What does feeling valued mean to you? What would make you feel loved? What do you wish you could ask for? Write your answers down so you can see them in front of you.

Consider talking to the people for whom you feel this creeping resentment. Tell them how you’re feeling, with as little blame and as much honesty as you can muster. They may not know that you need more, or that you’ve been feeling unappreciated. So, tell them. Ask for more. Ask for what you want. It sounds like your friends and family are really lucky to have you: they may be a lot more receptive than you think. Give them a chance to show up for you in the ways you’ve shown up for them.

The final thing you may want to consider is this: are you allowing other people to show up for you in the way you want them to? Have you given them the opportunity? Sometimes, we close ourselves off to love and care when we feel we don’t deserve it, or when we are so used to supporting and taking care of others that we’ve temporarily forgotten how to receive. How might you actually be rejecting offers of love? Are you open to receiving what you say you want?

It might be uncomfortable to address some of these things, but you’re ready for it.

Simply by writing this question to me, you did connect to yourself. You know yourself, and you do know what you need. Give yourself as much grace and kindness as possible as you move forward, and go forward knowing that you deserve to feel entirely valued and loved in your relationships, especially the ones you pour so much into.

You deserve to have your cup refilled every single day. Don’t let yourself forget that.

All my love,

Maggie

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[scene change]

2. Seeking Love

Maggie: how do I find love? I’m 26 and have yet to be in a relationship. I tried apps and it wasn’t my favorite thing but it feels like the only way to meet people nowadays. I feel like all my time is dedicated to grad school, work, taking care of my self, and spending time with my friends (who I love so much!). I’m open to love and appreciate a lot about myself, but I’m finding it hard to put in the work with random strangers to try to find connection. I’d love any thoughts you have about this. Thank you! :)

Dear Seeking Love,

The broad advice I have for you is simple but important: keep living your life, be good to yourself, and remain open to love. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate, and it’s ok if graduate school, work, friends, and you are your focus right now.

Finding love is something we often think we’re in control of. Truth is…we’re not, exactly. We can do what we can to increase our chances of finding someone we really connect with, but ultimately, we can’t force love to happen when it isn’t there. Love is more about surrender than it is orchestration.

That said, there are certainly things you can do to increase those chances of finding someone, and you’re already doing some of them: you’re open to love and you like who you are. That’s a beautiful foundation for seeking a relationship.

The more tactical advice I have for you is to take more social risks. You will know what that translates to in your life, but here are some ideas.

Groups — Join a group! Meeting people as an adult can be hard, but if you want to meet new people, you have to put yourself in the way of meeting new people. It might be uncomfortable, but say yes to more social opportunities where you increase your likelihood of meeting someone you like. In most cities there are dozens of group sports teams you can sign up for (kickball, pickleball, and walking/hiking groups are HUGE in San Diego). A lot of my friends in Chicago went to pottery classes, if you are more artistically and less physically inclined. There’s something for everyone.

Whatever it is—show up to something! Bring a friend with you, or don’t! When I first moved to San Diego, I threw myself into virtually every vaguely interesting group or event I could find (which I found mostly through Instagram). I went to comedy shows, open mics, book clubs, beach parties, all usually by myself. I often felt nervous, but I was determined to meet people, and I did. I met a ton of people, actually, some of whom became friends and one of whom became my girlfriend (we were in the same book club).

Friends — Have you asked your friends to set you up? I have a brilliant matchmaker friend back in Chicago who hosts “date my friend” PowerPoint parties that legitimately result in new relationships. You don’t have to do that, obviously, but the point remains that your friends could be a great source for potential dates. Utilize your social network—host a gathering, go to a party, attend a game night with your friend’s friends! People you know know other people, and maybe those people know someone you could fall in love with. You never know unless you try.

Yes, it’s True: The Apps — I understand your ambivalence toward dating apps—it feels weird and sort of icky to be rating a real person’s appearance and likability on your phone. If the apps really aren’t your thing, they don’t have to be. But if you’re not ready to give up on them, it may be helpful to reframe The Apps as just another tool to meet people, and to keep in mind that The Apps DO work for a lot of people. They can also be a really great way to practice going on dates and figuring out what you want with pretty low stakes. I went on a lot of weird and awkward dates from dating apps, and the experience I gained was worth it.

I also understand that putting in work with random strangers feels pointless sometimes, especially if it doesn’t go anywhere. Honestly, meeting someone new may indeed feel like work, at first—BUT, with someone you’re interested in, there will be some part of you that wants to see where it goes. There doesn’t even need to be a ‘spark’, but at least a seed of interest that makes you want to see them again. Trust your intuition when it comes to this—chemistry can’t be forced, but it can develop naturally as you become more comfortable with someone.

A relationship can absolutely happen for you, my dear, and it sounds like you’re ready for it. Without putting too much pressure on you (you’re busy), I’d encourage you to take more social risks to meet new people—risks that feel fun and maybe a little scary at first, but it’s the good kind of scary. Trust yourself and go forth with a sense of lightness—have some interesting new experiences, why don’t you. You’re well on your way to the love that is meant for you.

All my love,

Maggie

Thank you for sending in, and thank you for reading—please send me more questions HERE!

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