Ask Maggie #3 and #4 — On Navigating Family Estrangement and Being Friends With Your Ex

How do you be friends with formerly estranged family? And, the question of all questions: Can you be friends with your ex?

(Click above on the article voiceover to listen to me read this to you.)

Back to regularly scheduled programming next week! I plan to do one Ask Maggie column each month, but wanted to kick off its debut strong, hence this second consecutive week of responses.

I received two beautiful questions detailing very different situations but which both center around the topic of relationship boundaries. I have slightly abbreviated the questions due to length, but they are still lengthy! You can listen to me read them, if you prefer, by clicking on the ‘article voiceover’ button at the top of the page.

3. Can I be friends with formerly estranged family?

Dear Maggie,

My mom's side of the family had a falling out when I was very young, and I hadn't kept in touch with any of my cousins in 15 years. When I started a new job last fall, one of my cousins happened to work there as well. My aunt had worked there for several years before she retired […]. My cousin and I reconnected and started having lunch together once a week. I have sincerely enjoyed getting to know him as an adult. We have so much in common, and I feel like my conversations with him are easier than the ones with most of my friends! We are both introverted and on the spectrum, and I think because of that, we just click. […] We established early on that we didn't have to dredge up any old family drama from the past and just wanted to focus on our lives in the present. Here and there since starting this job, my aunt has reached out to me over email wishing me happy birthday or happy holidays, things like that. I have tried to keep my communication with her polite but brief. At one point, she asked if I wanted to come over for a family gathering they were having, and I thanked her for the invite but said I was busy and couldn’t make it. The truth was, I didn’t feel comfortable going over there. I know the history of what happened with them and my mom, and I’m firmly on her side. The thought of going over there felt like somewhat of a betrayal, and I wasn’t particularly interested in reconnecting with all of my aunts and uncles who were involved in the drama. I know she was making an effort to reach out and include me, but it is just not something I feel comfortable with. […]. However, my cousin recently asked if I wanted to try to get together outside of work this fall, and it’s something I would really like to do. I feel like we never get enough time to talk in just the 30 minutes once a week, and I would really like to get to know him better. […] We were thinking about going on a local hike or walk. I am afraid that if we start doing this, my aunt is going to get involved somehow. If she sees that we are spending time together outside of work, I’m afraid she’s going to take it as a sign that I want to reconnect with her and the rest of the family as well. […] I’m afraid that things are going to get blurred if we start doing things outside of that. How should I handle the situation if something like this ends up happening? If necessary, how do I set a boundary with my aunt without losing my relationship with my cousin or offending him? Thank you for your time.

Dear No Longer Estranged,

Thank you so much for this beautifully nuanced question—I have plenty of thoughts I can share, in the hope that some of them will feel right for you.

The first thing you can keep in mind is that this is an entirely traversable situation that you can figure out. At the core of your question, the truth seems to be: you want to keep developing a friendship with your cousin outside of work, without reconnecting with his mother or your other extended family. Unless that goal changes and you end up wanting to reconnect with your extended family, this is what we’re going to help you do.

Unlike 15 years ago when you were a child, you now get to decide what relationships are worth continuing. What luck that the person you want to hang out with more also wants to hang out with you, too, and it happens to be that you’re related! It can be hard to find people with whom you connect so well, and it would be a loss if you didn’t pursue friendship with your cousin. Going for a hike together sounds like a great idea.

Your words tell me you’ve already pretty much settled on this, but the fear of what it may lead to is holding you back.

It seems like your aunt, in her way, is trying to begin mending something with your mother that was broken long ago. I wonder if she’s also reaching out to your mom in the same way, or if her efforts to connect with you are exclusively because she sees you as the bridge to your mother.

Without guessing too much further at your aunt’s intentions, I’ll say that I do really understand why you’re nervous about this situation: it’s a little awkward. You’re loyal to your mother’s perspective and don’t want to get involved further in this long-term family dispute. That makes sense. It’s also not your job to mend any brokenness between your family members.

You are allowed to not want to reconnect with your extended family, and you are allowed to maintain that preference. This will likely require some more “polite but brief” interactions with your aunt. From what you’ve said, you have a strong sense of what you’re comfortable with. This sense will not disappear as you get further into this friendship with your cousin: You can always say no to family invitations, and you can always rework the friendship if it isn’t working out.

I think one of the most important parts to remember about setting boundaries is that we cannot control what other people do with ours. We cannot force anyone to adhere to our boundaries, just by speaking them aloud—we can only decide for ourselves what we will tolerate or accept, and act accordingly. It’ll be up to you to figure out how to communicate what you want and feel comfortable with, and up to you to follow through with that.

Will lines become blurry if you start hanging out with your cousin? Sure, it’s definitely possible. It’s also possible to draw those lines very clearly for yourself, whatever they may be. Be sure to draw them in pencil. Circumstances change, and so will you.

The various fears you have expressed to me here really boil down to a fear of uncertainty: you are looking for certainty where there is none. This fear is one of the most universal: don’t we all just want to know what will happen and how we should respond when it does?

Of course, though, there isn’t certainty about the future; there is only what is true right now. What is true right now is that you want to be friends with your cousin, and what you can do right now is be willing to see what happens when you try.

As to the worry of offending your cousin by not wanting to hang out with his family—honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It seems like he’s interested in setting aside the family drama, too. Hang out with him, try not to stress, and tell him how you feel about this if it comes up.

You didn’t say this but I will, in case you were thinking it: As you spend time with your cousin, you may genuinely want to reconnect with more of your family. That would be normal and ok to feel. Obviously, you don’t have to, and it may not feel possible given your loyalty to your mother. Even still, leave some room for your feelings and mind to change. You’re allowed to change your mind in any direction.

Here’s what I hope you’ll remember above all else: you get to decide what feels right to you. You get to change your mind. And, you get to have a new friend!

Good luck as you traverse the uncertain void of the future,

Maggie

4. Can I be friends with my ex? — Stuck in the Gray

Dear Maggie,

My ex and I broke up 7 months ago. We went 6 weeks with no contact, then our [sports] season started (yes I know, a lesbian classic, dating your teammate) and we were frequently around each other twice a week. I thought she would want space, but it turns out she wanted to be as close as ever. I thought, if that's what she wants, then surely that must be what I want too. It's been a flirty, fun, achey, gray, adventurous summer spending time with my ex under the guise of friendship. But it was also hard, and many nights I cried on the way home from her place. She was the first girl I ever had a crush on. She's a big part of the reason I realized I was gay, and I'd been harboring a secret crush on her for the better part of 6 years. I was THRILLED when we got together. […]. I wanted so so badly to fall in love with her, but I didn't. And I think she did. I've told her I can't see us getting back together, but that I could see us being really good friends. And I meant that. It was sad, but she understood, and wanted to continue spending time together. At first I thought it would be great, and at first it was... but nothing really changed. It still feels how it did when she was my girlfriend, except we don't kiss. I still get texts from her throughout the week checking in on me, and when we hang out it is often curled up on her couch or bed […].

I've been trying to tell myself that it's okay to have gray areas, and being a queer person especially, you often end up in smaller circles where exes do remain friends. But I'm starting to feel more and more that I need space if I'm ever going to move on from this. It became especially prevalent when I felt like she was flirting with someone else; I was sick to my stomach for a week. But it sucks because we have so many mutual friends, and our teammates have planned several team events throughout the off-season that we'll likely participate in together. I don't want to avoid her or the team, but I'm also realizing it's going to keep hurting […]

My question to you Maggie is: Is there a way to decrease contact with her, but not cut her out completely, that will allow us to move on from this? I feel like I've been watching myself stay stuck in this for months now, knowing deep down that ultimately I need to breathe, but not being able to physically let go and set the boundaries we both need. And I know she won't. […] I feel like shit that I've hurt her, and feel like I continue to hurt her, and myself, even if she says she's okay with this level of contact. What do I do? How can I set boundaries without hurting her more? I know they say sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (thanks for that one Adele), but what if I can't? And, what if we do take space and I realize I don't want to be her friend at all? What if being away from her is exactly what I need and I find not having her in my life is easier, because TBH, I've felt that way with other exes. […] Is there a way to do this without it feeling like we've broken up again? Is there a way to set boundaries without hurting us both? And how strict do those boundaries have to be for us to actually move on? Is no contact the only, or best, option? Or is there a world where we still hang out in groups, and still send each other internet memes?

- Stuck in the Gray (grey?)

Dear Stuck in the Gray,

I think you already know what’s best for you to do. I’ll rip the bandaid off and tell you what your letter tells me:

You need to stop hanging out with your ex. You need to stop sending memes, going to her house, and texting each other. You need to disengage from her as much as you possibly can. It sounds like you’re not willing to give up your team, which makes sense, but it does mean you will inevitably be faced with some uncomfortable and painful situations when you see her. You’re strong, and can get through those situations. The most important boundary I’d recommend you make is to eliminate your one-on-one contact with each other. Maybe (maybe) you can still hang out in a group and feel good about it, but you shouldn’t be hanging out alone.

Oh how I get it. I wish I could make it easier.

If you want the type of classic-lesbian, tumultuous, emotionally distressing, ambiguous on-again/off-again relationship…you’re in a position to do that, by continuing to try to be friends with your ex. I have seen that play out (and done it, too) many times. If you don’t want that, and would prefer a clean, emotionally stable slate from which to eventually enter a new relationship—no contact is your best method, in my humble opinion.

Nothing about what you’ve written tells me that it’s a good thing for you two to be spending time together. Right now, your body and brain are confused. Of course you still want to cuddle, and feel sick at the sight of her flirting. Your body thinks you’re still with this person, even if your brain knows you aren’t. You have to teach your body that this person is not your girlfriend, and the most reliable way to do that is by taking space and time apart from each other.

This whole situation does suck, a lot, and especially because you have so many mutual friends, it’s going to keep sucking, as you cannot realistically entirely avoid each other. But you can remove your one-on-one contact, and my dear—that is what I think you must do.

Decreasing contact is going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt, and you’re going to continue to be sad about it. All of it, as I sense you already know, is a necessary part of the horrible and empowering process of getting over someone.

Throughout this process, I want you to remember that you will move on from her if you want to. If you really want to move on, you can, and you know how to do that: you need more space. Every inch of your letter to me screams: I need space to get over my ex but I’m scared of hurting her and also hurting me, too.

Is that right?

I say all this with only love, from my own experiences. In a similarly classic lesbian way, I had to work with my ex in very close contact right after we’d broken up. Another time, I decided that we could totally just be best friends and continue to hang out almost every day, and yet another time, I thought it would be healthy and fine to keep talking on the phone and texting. Long stories made short: all of those situations did not work for very long and hurt a lot. Each one ended in no contact, and I am currently not friends with any of my exes. On the other side of these experiences, I can recognize that going no-contact was the only way I could actually move on.

I really understand your pain. I get how hard it is, how sad, and how long it can take to move on. It’s a process that you have to take at your own pace. Offer yourself as much grace and kindness to yourself as you go through it.

If you really have a future as friends, it will not be now. It will not be in a month, or three, or even twelve. If you do have a future as friends, it will not be the same, and you will almost certainly not be as close. I think you also know what I have also learned after breakups: you probably won’t even want to be friends after you’ve given yourself enough time to move on. I think that’s really normal.

You write that you know deep down you need to let go but aren’t physically able to. I understand. It probably has felt like you can’t let go—but, you can. You absolutely can let go, and when you are ready to assert your need for space, you will. (Hint: you’re ready now.)

You also mention that you feel like shit for hurting her, and that you feel you’re continuing to hurt her by not setting boundaries. You’re partially right about that—you are both hurting each other. Your ex may not be able to see that continuing to hang out with you is hurting both of you, but you can. Like it or not, my dear, it is now your responsibility to make the choice that is ultimately best for both of you. It does suck.

It might help to reframe your need to set boundaries with your ex as an act of kindness. It isn’t cruel at all. Yes, decreasing your contact with each other will hurt you both in the short-term, but you will both be rewarded long-term with the blessing of time and space to heal your hurting hearts. She deserves that time and space just as much as you do.

I wish you reprieve from this horribly confusing, achey place you’ve been stuck in for months. I don’t think there’s a way out that won’t hurt, unfortunately. It’s definitely going to hurt, again, but it will be temporary. It will keep hurting if you leave things as they are.

With all the wisdom I think I have about getting over someone, I can tell you that initially it will hurt to stop talking, but then, it’s going to feel better.

Really, really.

Eventually, you will feel better. A growing part of you will feel relieved, and you will be able to breathe. You will feel better, and better, and little by little you will construct a world in which your body knows you are no longer dating your ex. You will still feel some sadness, and it will sting to see her out on the field or flirting with someone else. If you give yourself enough time and space to move on, that sting will sting less. You will feel less sad, and then hardly ever sad. Eventually, if you want, you will find yourself in another relationship, with someone you’re so absolutely in love with, someone you would not have been with if you’d remained stuck in the achey painful gray area of trying to be friends with your ex.

Then, you’ll be really glad you went no/very little contact.

You know what is right—follow that knowing. You can do hard things.

All my love,

Maggie

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