Ask Maggie #5 Dating a Workaholic and #6 Not Dating Your Married Coworker

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#5 - Dating a Workaholic

Dear Maggie,

My partner is a workaholic and I'm not sure if there is anything to do! He is in school and has several jobs first, to support himself, second, to get experience, and lastly he works so hard because he does enjoy it. He's extremely smart and driven and it is definitely one of the things that attracted me to him when we first started dating. So now you're probably asking, what could possibly be the issue? Well, he tends to run himself ragged, working and pushing himself to his limits, not only overworking his mind, but his body as well. He never takes a day off and I fear that while he finishes school this is just the reality. I am not a workaholic. I am a huge supporter of taking days of rest, I believe that it's actually necessary to do so in order to maintain your entire system. I believe in burnout and know too well of its extreme effects on the body and I actively take steps to avoid it.

My question is, how much of his work ethic and drive is my problem to fix? I tell him to take days off, only when I'm aware that he is in a financial place to do so of course, I tell him to prioritize himself in his jobs, but there is always resistance. I would never get upset with him for choosing to work, the part that can bother me is after he finally gets home he's too tired to do anything besides eat and going to sleep. This leads to him being stressed about not doing enough school work and worrying about there not being enough time. Then ultimately, it does lead to him getting sick. It's frustrating to witness, especially when he has the ability to make more time. Not to mention the fact that he also can be too stressed to fully be present during the intentional dates we set up. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I love this man and I want to support him in all of his endeavors, I just have seen a potentially destructive pattern in him and want to help where I can but don't know what there is to do. Should I just be grateful I have such a driven partner, should I stop worrying about his limits and mind my own while seeing/listening to him push himself too hard? Any advice is welcome, thanks in advance.

Yours,

Stressed over stress

Dear Stressed over stress,

What a great question. I’ll admit, it cuts close to home—I felt a little bit like you were writing about me. That is to say: I definitely have some thoughts, and I’d love to share them with you.

The short answer to your question of whether you can fix your partner’s workaholic patterns is that you can’t. Your words tell me you already know this, but let’s talk about it more.

As Ram Dass has said: “you can’t rip the skin off a snake.” As in, you can’t force someone to grow or learn something any faster than they’re going to learn (or not learn) it. Everyone is going to grow at their rate, even if you wish that rate would be faster.

You can’t make your partner rest more, stress less, or strike a work-school-life balance. You can’t make him want that outcome, either. In fact, I’d guess that your partner may not even see what he’s doing as a problem to change. He may be so used to operating in this way that he doesn’t see any issue with the way he is working or living—or, he may not know there is any other way to live. He may not reevaluate anything unless or until he gets sick and is forced to sit down and chill out.

You’re right, it’s really frustrating to witness this pattern play out.

While you cannot change your partner or his workaholic patterns, you don’t have to passively sit by and watch him run himself into the ground, either. There are ways you can influence him positively, and things you can do to promote him to take better care of himself.

Your partner’s behavior is affecting you and your relationship with him, in not-so-positive ways. That alone warrants a conversation. He’s carrying stress home and not able to be present with you during your designated time together, and that would bother anyone. Consider telling him how you feel about this. Tell him how it makes you feel to see him so preoccupied and stressed, and tell him honestly how it is affecting you.

Of course, sharing this will not cause him to automatically set aside all stress, but hearing that his stress and behavior are impacting you—whom he loves—may (hopefully) prompt some increased awareness on his part. Framing your feelings from your perspective (using “I” statements) and explaining how you feel without blaming or shaming him will make it more likely for him to want to reflect on what he can change.

To be entirely transparent…I really relate to your partner. I am undoubtedly workaholic-adjacent; I struggle to slow down and rest until I get sick or break down. I’ve designed the momentum of my life to be rapid and ongoing, and I like it that way, most of the time. From my insider position, I can tell you that this compulsion to fill life with work and busyness can be both unhealthy and healthy. I do genuinely love to work, and to be busy, and it seems like your partner does, too.

This tendency is not inherently wrong, as you’ve mentioned. It’s perfectly fine to prefer busyness, to love working, to be driven and ambitious. However, like anything, these qualities can get warped and dysfunctional. I would be remiss to not mention the very real fear that accompanies this compulsion to be busy: I am afraid of not doing enough, of not being good enough, and of not living up to the exceedingly high expectations that no one places on me but me.

This leads me to another suggestion I have for you: get curious about what’s going on beneath the surface in your partner. Try to understand it a little more. Maybe he works so much because he really loves it, and he actually feels amazing about how busy and stressed he is. Or, maybe, he uses work as a way to avoid some bigger, more daunting feeling. Maybe working to the bone is the only way he feels secure. Try to understand where he’s coming from, if he’s open to letting you in.

When you do this, approach him with openness and nonjudgment, without intending to change his mind. All you’re seeking is to know him more. Ask how he’s really feeling; what he’s most worried about; how he feels he’s handling all this stress. This might be hard, and he might be resistant to your questions (as you’ve mentioned he typically is) but I would encourage you to not give up. Remain curious about what lurks beneath the surface of your partner’s workaholic tendencies. From my own experience, it’s likely that there’s some deeply rooted fear hiding inside that could stand to see some daylight.

It’s possible that the rat race your partner is running may end when he finishes school…and, it’s also possible that it won’t. So, I would urge you now to communicate your love and support for him while also sharing your honest feelings about how his stress is impacting your relationship. Don’t let your frustrations fester and turn into resentment—get ahead of that. Be honest, love yourself, and love your partner as only you can.

Thank you for writing in to me about this. It’s hard to watch someone we love be so stressed and worried, and simultaneously know they could handle it differently and better. Part of the beauty of loving someone who is different from us is that we can learn from each other. Your partner is so lucky to have you—you brilliant human who know the art and power of rest and slowing down. Trust that living as you are offers him access to that knowledge, and that when he is ready and wants to learn, he will.

All my love,

Maggie

#6 — Not Dating Your Married Coworker

Dear Maggie,

So, there’s this guy at work (so many great situations have started with that line, I’m sure). For a while, I offhandedly thought he was cute but only saw him in passing. He was friends with my co-worker, and he would sometimes come by and chat for a few minutes. I started to join in the conversations, and talking to him was just so easy and fun. He is incredibly sarcastic, and I usually find that annoying or off-putting, but somehow his particular brand of sarcasm is one that makes sense to me, and I find it very easy to jive off of. He is a rare breed of human who genuinely listens for the sake of listening and asking follow-up questions rather than waiting for you to be done talking in order to jump in with his own story or opinion. It’s funny because a lot of people take my quiet and reserved nature as a chance to tell me their life story and all of their problems, following it up with a halfhearted “what about you?” when they’re done, and I never know quite what to say (What about me … what?). I’ve had people say that they feel like they don’t really know me, which hurts, but it’s mainly because they monopolize the conversations and don’t really ask me any specific questions. At the beginning of a friendship, I’m not good at randomly coming up with something insightful to say out of the blue. But with this guy, it’s completely flipped. I had to work to turn the conversation back to him because I felt like we were only talking about me, and I knew almost nothing about him. Our conversations have become more balanced now where we’ll both share things, and it’s great. We meet up on our breaks a few times a week, and he’ll sometimes come by my desk to chat for a few minutes during the day. I get nervous whenever we’re hanging out around other people because I’m afraid my crush will be written all over my face and that HR is going to show up at my desk the next morning telling me I’ve committed some kind of sexual harassment violation. I just feel like there’s this vibe between us, and clearly it isn’t all in my head because my co-worker even commented that she thought we would have made a cute couple if he wasn’t married. Because that’s the thing … he’s married and has a family. And he’s quite a bit older than I am, although I would never have guessed it at first because he takes such good care of himself (like seriously, don’t start picturing some gross middle-aged man here okay?). To be very clear, he doesn’t treat me differently than anyone else at the office. We’re friends, but he’s friends with a lot of people because he’s such a genuinely nice person. He jokes around and checks in with other people the same way he does with me (and yes, the first time I noticed that I did feel this stupid twist in my heart because I didn’t feel special anymore). But the point is, he is not singling me out or flirting with me--it’s just his personality. The ironic thing is, I’ve had very few guy friends over the years, and in college I had a really great friendship going with a guy I worked with and had class with until he asked me out and I had to awkwardly say I wasn’t interested. I thought about how great it would be to have a guy friend without any possibility of weirdness like that, and when the universe delivered this one to me, I had to go and be the one to make it weird. I don’t develop serious crushes on people very often. When I do, they’re usually people I only have limited interaction with or see from afar. The more I get to know them, the more it fades. So it is a pretty big deal for me to feel this way about someone who I actually know and interact with on a regular basis. (And please don’t tell me to just look for available people in the office instead because believe me, there aren’t any). It’s just very rare for me to connect with someone like this and to have conversations that I enjoy this much. And he has pretty much everything I would want in a guy. He’s good looking, we have similar interests, he takes care of himself, he exercises and eats right, and he has his shit together. What I want to know is from what I’ve described, am I doing something wrong? I feel this sense of guilt every time I touch up my hair and lip gloss before I see him like a middle schooler would, and when we’re joking around together because it feels like borderline flirting. Like I said, it’s literally just his personality with everyone (and there’s nothing sexual about it), so maybe it just feels that way to me. But I feel guilty for enjoying our interactions too much, if that makes sense, like he’s just having a casual conversation and I’m doing a stupid giddy dance inside my head. And how do I begin to accept our friendship for what it is and be grateful for it instead of being sad and guilty over it? Our interactions always brighten up my day, and I don’t want to stop being friends with him because of my crush. It’s not like I’m heartbroken and crying every night--I just want to see how I can reframe how I’m seeing the situation into a more positive light … if that’s possible.

-Crushed

Dear Crushed,

I do think it’s possible to view this situation in a more positive and constructive light, so let’s get to it.

Oh, the ache of having a crush on an unavailable person. It’s the kind of ache that hurts and also thrills—it delivers delight, excitement, and hope, even if there is truly no future with the other person. A crush has the power to convince you that anything is possible, even when you realistically know that isn’t the case. I think the hardest part of having a crush is that it’s kind of fun sometimes, even with the hurt. Is this what you’ve been experiencing?

It does sound like you have an incredibly balanced mindset about this situation. You don’t share evidence of any wishful “what if he leaves his wife” kind of thinking, although it would make sense if you’ve thought that. You’re pretty realistic in noting that this man is not available for you to date, he’s likely not interested in you as anything other than a friend, and that your crush on him has its days numbered.

You ask if you’re doing something wrong in this situation, and the answer is no. You’re not doing anything wrong by having a crush. I get why you feel guilty, and maybe a little embarrassed—he’s married and unavailable—but you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about. Feeling the way you feel is not morally wrong.

There are, however, many things right about this situation that I want to draw your attention to.

Namely, that you found someone you like so much! That’s really cool. Seriously, having a crush is a wonderful opportunity. You mention that you often feel that no one really knows you, because you wind up listening more than speaking in conversations. And here comes this handsome married man who makes you laugh, asks you good questions, cares about your answers, and with whom you feel some sort of conversational chemistry that you rarely feel with anyone else.

Of course you have a crush on him. He’s showing you what you want in a partner, or at least a good friend. Even though you’re not going to date this man, you can still use this experience as an opportunity to grow and learn and set the stage for where you want to go next.

The first thing I’d suggest is that you validate the part of you that really likes this guy. It’s really ok that you like him. Seriously. Now, hunt around in your psyche for what is drawing you to him. What is it about this man? What qualities are you attracted to in him, or in your dynamic with each other? Write those things down. Yes, I’m telling you to make a list of everything you like about this guy. Get as specific as possible, and make sure you’re decoupling the person from the qualities. (For example, instead of “I really like that he makes me laugh,” write “someone who makes me laugh”). Once you’ve done that, set it aside.

You also ask: how do I begin to accept our friendship for what it is and be grateful for it instead of being sad and guilty over it?

You can get to acceptance and gratitude, eventually. Before that happens, however, you need to give yourself the space to get over him by letting yourself be sad. I know, that might make you feel silly, since you aren’t in a relationship, but I do think it’s necessary. Let yourself be sad. Cry about it, if you can. Be a little heartbroken, even if it feels dramatic. Offer yourself the space to move through this crush without trying to rationalize it away. With time, and as long as you aren’t prolonging the crush by searching for evidence of reciprocality, your crush on this man will dissipate.

You can get to being grateful for your friendship with this guy, if you let yourself be sad about it and truly get over him.

In my humble opinion, this situation you’ve described to me above is an indicator that you may want a romantic relationship. If I’m wrong, no problem, skip this part. At the very least, you’re desiring deeper, more authentic relationships in your life, whether friend or romantic, and this married guy from the office has shown you that these kinds of relationships are possible for you. You might consider going on some dates with other people (not from your office), and see where it takes you. (It might help you move on from the married guy, too.) Keep your list handy.

It is generally my belief that the universe serves us experiences to help us grow into the lives we want; to set us up to succeed in the next chapter. You, my dear, can learn from this experience. I think you already have. How beautiful that you found someone with whom you connect so well. You will find that again, with a different person. So let yourself be sad, excuse the guilt that accompanies you, and then go about the business of moving on. Experiment with trusting that what’s coming next is going to feel even more right.

All my love,

Maggie