Comparison is The Thief of Connection

Trying to impress people drives them farther up or down the social ladder of your own making.

Connecting vs. Impressing

I recently unfollowed a bunch of people on social media. I don’t actually know any of them, but I followed them for “inspiration”, which meant that I would stare at their photos or videos, and be envious, and compare my own life and body to theirs. Mostly, they were women who have devoted themselves to “health”, who live in the kinds of bodies a part of me longs to occupy, are supremely healthy, and who spend inordinate amounts of money on products, food, and practices that “uplevel” their lives. Watching select portions of their days doesn’t actually inspire me at all; it makes me feel bad, and ungrateful, and like I need to have what they have to feel good. While once I believed that I should follow people I envy to motivate me, I no longer do—there’s a difference between observing-for-inspiration and comparison-as-self-sabotage.

Comparison is the thief of joy, as Theodore Roosevelt and the Stoic philosopher Seneca have both said. And it’s true, comparing yourself to another does steal your joy, and rips you out of the present moment. Cultivating gratitude is often the way back to your joy.

What comparison also does is fuel ego-driven interactions that yield little real connection. You can’t really connect if you are comparing, measuring, and ranking another against yourself.

My dad uses a little heuristic for determining whether he made “contact” with another; i.e., had a genuine interaction. Here it is: “were they trying to impress me, or trying to connect with me?” Alternatively: “was I trying to impress them, or trying to connect with them?”

He’s told me that this heuristic works especially in his business. When he seeks to make a real connection with his clients—by sharing stories, inquiring curiously about their lives, or being honest about his own—rather than impress them with data points or tales of his successes, those clients are always more likely to stick around and spread his name to other potential clients. In turn, the bid for connection creates better business, lasting relationships, and more satisfaction for everyone.

We can usually tell when someone is trying to impress us. We can tell when someone is bragging or sharing things seemingly for the sole purpose of letting you know something they think is important about them.

My boss, upon meeting parents from her daughter’s class, later relayed to me that there’s a mother who regularly adds into conversations, out of context: “My husband’s a doctor”. I would guess, that though perhaps an attempt at connection, sharing this tidbit rarely makes people feel connected to her. In fact, I’d guess that it has the opposite effect: a new friend is more likely to interpret this as boasting, which indicates a strange kind of superiority, and really which may just be a shield for her own insecurity.

Only speculating.

While hearing of someone’s achievements or possessions might be interesting or charming in some instances, that usually lasts for only a moment. Rather quickly, our reaction turns into something like pity, disdain, or annoyance toward that person. No one likes being sold cars on a first date, or at a social gathering, or even a job interview.

We all have also been on the side of trying to impress someone. This tendency may be expressed as a “pick me! Notice me!” call for attention; when we chase external validation or accolades. Few people are above desiring to be recognized, appreciated, and thought of as great. Trying to impress potential friends with surface level information, however, only serves to further isolate us from others.

In college, I’d tell people that I meditated, and was a vegan, and that I taught yoga. While these things were true, informing others of these facts never actually made them like me more—they usually landed flat, ending the interaction and probably making me seem like a self-important asshole. When these same things came up in conversation naturally, or I was asked about them, people took more interest.

There’s a quote I can’t trace that says: “a lion will never have to tell you it’s a lion”. Meaning, that the things you are meant to be known for will speak for themselves. If someone is going to be impressed by you, you won’t have to do the work of impressing. Impressing requires ego, which means that you’re not sharing heart to heart, or talking in any kind of honest way. Leading from your ego only drives people further away.

Most of social media is an ego circus. I guess there are some people who genuinely use it as a way to try and connect with others. But most of online interactions are simply a demonstration of ego; a fight to get more views, likes, money. In comparing ourselves to others, and in seeking to impress them, we lead with ego.

Comparing ourselves to others ushers us down the path of viewing people as better/lower than we are. If our minds are stuck ranking the people we interact with in terms of their social class, beauty, wealth, social capital, humor, knowledge—or whatever unique subcategory that you care about—we’re more tempted to engage with them competitively. Instead of approaching them in a friendly, open way, we approach them with an agenda: an agenda that serves to make us feel better about ourselves, or put them down.

Real Connection

Making new friends is not an endeavor exclusive to childhood. Adults have to—and should—make new friends, too. It can feel vulnerable to make real connections as an adult, and yet, we all will inevitably be invited into new situations, at work or home or in that blustery outside world, where we must reach out to others in real, honest ways. Knowing how to engage with people in a way that invites connection rather than comparison is so worthy of our effort, for the sake of our social and professional lives.

So then, may we connect rather than impress.

We can practice not comparing ourselves to people we don’t even know on the internet, for this fosters the compulsion to do it in that blustery outside world, too. We can connect by showing up, and asking questions, and listening. We can stay humble and grateful for what we have, and remind ourselves all the damn time that we are not better or worse than anyone; that comparison is the thief of real connection.

At the next function, or your next interview, or in whatever conversation you have next: seek to connect, not impress. Reflect on which interactions feel like you made real contact, and on the ones where you leave feeling hollow, or superior, or inferior. Pay attention to who you feel connected to, and keep going in that direction.

Maggie