Go to bed angry

Pro tip!

I don’t know where the absurd advice ‘never go to bed angry’ came from, but I think it’s time to rewrite that narrative. Or to at least offer another perspective.

If we took stock of all the unfelt or misused anger in the world, we’d probably find that it’s causing many (if not most) societal ills. Anger is a sign that something is wrong, and it is normal to feel. It is here to protect us, to lead us into action — in Brene Brown’s words, it’s an emotion that acts as a catalyst for healthy transformation. But if we hold onto our anger for too long, we’ll hurt ourselves and others, and become sick and miserable.

(Still) Default to *Not Now*

I wrote a few weeks ago about defaulting to ~no~ and I stand by it. Knowing things takes time, and when there is conflict, my default is to not attempt to solve it right away. If there’s potential for resolution, it will not come in the height of the intensity.

Anger is a hard thing to feel and to be met with, and a lot of people will either lie flat and shut down entirely in the face of it, or explode and act rashly.

When we’re in a heightened emotional state, our brains are not thinking clearly and our nervous systems are on high alert. We are way more likely to say things we don’t mean, be defensive and use abusive language. This is not the time for productive conversation! Go to bed, sleep on it, wait it out. Take a break from the other. Let your auras detangle, breathe separately. Circle back when you can express yourself clearly and actually be listened to.

Don’t jeopardize being misunderstood or give the other person extra ammunition to throw back in your face. Especially if it’s a person you care about maintaining a relationship with, wait to approach the conflict with more clarity another time.

Then maybe you’ll get a sincere apology. Or deliver a sincere apology. (Or, you won’t).

You don’t need to call in everyone to process your anger with you. In fact, it would probably be helpful to process your anger about person A with person B, before you take it to person A.

A true relationship repair (as we called it at therapy camp) comes with patience and time and (especially if you’re 13) a neutral / clear party. If you wanna be understood, if you wanna be seen and heard, don’t approach the conversation from a state of emotional chaos. It isn’t worth it.

If I tried to solve my problems before I went to sleep every night, my life would be an absolute shit show.

Feel your anger, thank it, let it move through your body. Eventually you can do something with it, but it doesn’t all have to happen right now.

(It also doesn’t have to ever happen, because you don’t have to repair every relationship).

xx, maggie

P.s. Star Hopping podcast is out! Follow the link to listen. First episode is called Retrograde Retrospective and it’s a lot of fun.