Host yourself first
You can leave when you want to.
Hosting and being hosted
I come from a large family of hosts who have taught me well. I’ll only invite you if I like you, offer water and snacks, check in, and ask about your feelings.
I am still surrounded by hosts in my Chicago life. Remarkable hosts, in fact, who curate excellent vibes and love to have people over. This is great news, because I do prefer guesthood. I can make myself very comfortable in other spaces, enjoy the company without stress, and leave when I want to.
In the past I didn't like hosting or being hosted, which was clearly problematic. I was too concerned about how other people were feeling and if they were comfortable and happy to enjoy anything.
It has taken years of therapy to develop the skill to say yes when I mean yes and no when I mean no — and, to learn to trust myself to leave when I want to. This has relieved a lot of social pressure and freed up energy to actually have fun. Now, when I don’t honor the ‘it’s time to go feeling’, it twists into my chest and I feel hot and ill and unable to be present. The body knows.
In order to be a good guest, you have to know how to host yourself.
Knowing how to host yourself means you:
—> Figure out what what you need/want/feel
—> Take care of it yourself - OR - Ask someone
Being honest about what you need/want/feel helps people trust you.
Honesty creates trust.
What would happen if we could trust that people meant what they said?
In college I realized that I had a hard time trusting that people were being honest. I grew up in the suburbs of Northern California and was conditioned by characters who didn’t say what they felt or needed. Who said yes out of social obligation or pressure. Who would be sweet and smiley in person, then talk shit right after. This seems pretty common in the U.S. — it’s generational, cultural, social. We don’t want to be rude, or uncomfortable, or hurt anyone’s feelings.
I didn't trust what people were saying because I didn’t trust myself. I kept doing and saying things that I didn’t want to be doing and saying, based on what I thought other people wanted me to say and do.
My therapist helped me a lot with this. I practiced believing that when people offered something to me, they meant it. I practiced trusting that the people I loved were being honest with me. (The tricky part is that sometimes people are Actually Not Honest and that sucks and is a whole other problem).
Right around this time, my dear friend gave me her handmade wool gloves. This was the first time I was aware of my immediate response — my mind said ‘mmm, she doesn’t mean it, say no.’ I was ready to repeat 6 times ‘are you sure?? You don’t have to!!’ But then I was like wait no. Why would my friend offer something incredibly beautiful if she didn’t want to? I was afraid that if I accepted this gift she would secretly resent me for taking her gloves. Even though she gave them to me of her own free will. Honestly, the people-pleasing conditioned mind is absurd.
So I said thank you and accepted the gloves.
People are not mind readers — be your own advocate
A few days ago, I was talking with my roommate and her brother about ‘infinity hangers’. Essentially, infinity hangers are people who don’t ever seem to get sick of hanging out, who will keep monologuing far after the conversation has ended just to make the hang longer. They generally don’t pick up on ‘I want the hang to end’ cues and will keep you in their house until you literally run out of it while they’re in the bathroom.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not judging anyone’s social needs and preferences. (But also, infinity hangers should really just hang out with each other).
Mostly, everyone needs to be able to say ‘I’m ready to leave’ or ‘time to end this’ more easily. People are not mind readers, so we cannot expect them to be.
Todd Baratz, a therapist I adore, writes that ‘no one is your personal need-fulfiller’. Expecting others to meet our needs when we don’t say them out loud sets us up for a lot of disappointment in relationships. Friends and partners are not parents and we are not children!
Host yourself first. Ask for what you need. Leave when you want to.
It feels good when you give something, and they say thank you, and you feel the thank you.
It feels good when you express love and it is received.
It feels good when your people trust you, and you trust your people.
xx maggie