How do you know what you want and need?
And are others responsible for meeting your needs?
There’s a lot of Talk about ~needs~ these days. Which is cool — identifying what you need or want allows you the chance to be more intentional about any particular part of your life (work, love, family, home, etc).
The tricky part is often determining what you actually need or want. How do you know?
Furthermore — are other people responsible for meeting your specific needs?
Broadly, no. Unless you are a child, you are responsible for figuring out what you need to survive and thrive. You get to make choices about what relationships and engagements you want to be involved in based on whether they will satisfy or fulfill some of your desirements and requirements. You get to determine what is and is not ok, what will or will not work for you.
One of my favorite therapists (who I don’t work with but read his work) always talks about how adult relationships are inherently conditional. We are not contractually obligated to anyone - if something isn’t working for us, we can always choose to leave or rewrite the terms of what and who we will allow in our lives. Adult relationships are conditional. Meaning, we choose people (friends, lovers, employers, etc.) because they satisfy or fulfill some want or need in us. We are constantly giving and receiving energy, time, money, love, resources to the people in our lives. If, at some point, one or more of you are not getting what you need out of the relationship, it’s up to you to end or rework it (if possible).
We need other people. We are not alone on this planet, and the more responsibility we take for our own feelings, actions, and words, the better off we will all be. It’s up to us to communicate what we want and need from people, and figure out if we can give what other people are asking of us.
So in sum — other people are not responsible for meeting your specific needs, but you do need other people to fulfill your needs.
The Role of Childhood Conditioning
When you are a child, you actually are dependent on a parental figure to take care of your basic needs. You need adults to (respectfully, lovingly) feed and clothe you, and set boundaries to keep you safe and healthy. The way your needs were addressed as a child can affect how you show up for yourself and for others in your adult relationships.
a non-comprehensive list of your basic needs:
enough food to actually nourish you
a home
physical safety from harm
emotional support
education
trust in the parental figure
physical touch
Many people, as children, likely didn’t receive adequate support or care in at least one of these areas. Some people may have grown up not having their needs met at all and now have a hard time trusting others. There are also people who grew up with hover parents and now as an adult expect others to do things for them. Being taught that there will always be someone to cater to you at any given moment can set a kid up to have impossible standards for their future relationships.
Something to remember — our needs will not always be met 100% of the time. That is impossible! Our caregivers as children cannot meet every need all of the time. They have to take care of themselves too. Similarly, as adults -- people will let you down sometimes. It’s up to you to decide how to respond to this.
I always say that because we were not raised by the most enlightened version of ourselves, there are parts of our childhood that were especially difficult, not supportive, unhelpful, and even harmful. (“if only I’d been raised like this, I’d be Better Now!!” ) Additionally, because we were not raised in a box, we were subjected to the messages of countless tv shows, teachers, religious beliefs — all sorts of societal conditioning that told us to look like/be like/do like This to be loved and accepted.
So. It’s ok that we did not receive absolutely everything we needed and wanted as children to put us on the fastest track to “self-actualization” as adults. It’s more important that there was consistency to the care you received as a child and at least one adult figure you could trust and rely on to be there for you. People are incredibly resilient, neuroplasticity is real, and you can work to shift your behaviors and thought patterns so that you may operate from a more preferred place.
Held and Free
If I were to choose two lessons to pass on to a child (or anyone, really), they are:
you are worthy & deserving of being loved and loving others, & you are free to move and grow and change your mind
Glennon Doyle describes this as being held and free -- how can we allow ourselves to be held, but also free? To me, this concept so beautifully captures the balance between relying on others to fulfill our needs while also acknowledging that you are still free to make your own choices within those relationships. Can we trust that we can be held by others, and still be free to choose ourselves?
What if I don’t know what I want or need!!!
Something I learned about in trauma sensitive yoga is that many people don’t know what they feel or what they want or what they need. Now, I LOVE choices & freedom to make your own choices, but for some people too many choices is overwhelming and can trigger a shutdown (fight / flight / freeze / fawn) response. So blanketly asking “what do you want? What do you need?” isn’t usually helpful and may even evoke panic, because they don’t know!!!!!
Often, it’s helpful to ask specific yes or no questions rather than open-ended ones. It’s easier for people to identify. This requires some creativity in your question construction! My roommates are SO good at this. It’s how we choose movies & outfits & meals & approach talking about our feelings.
I prefer to ask “do you know what you want right now? Do you know what you need right now?” instead of “what do you want.” If they do know, that’s great. Go forth. If not, no worries. Be patient.
How to spot a need:
You notice you are feeling uncomfortable / annoyed / “weird”
You feel like you’re Trying Really Hard to make something work, and it just keeps being difficult without much release
You feel consistently bitter, angry, sad, or frustrated and know that something in your life needs to change
You know you feel off and need something. But! Because you are increasing your self awareness and agency, you won’t just bumble along hoping the feeling will disappear! You don’t just suppress it and drown the nagging frustration! You make a conscious choice about what to do! You consider what this feeling/situation may be telling you!
What could the message be?
Do you need to quit your job?
Do you need to have a Hard Conversation with someone?
Do you need to set a boundary because you feel taken for granted?
Do you need to go for a run?
Eat a treat?
Talk about your feelings?
Take a shower?
Move across the country?
Get out of the house?
Socialize?
Be alone? Etc.
Essentially, once you know something is Off or bothering you, it has been brought in the light of your awareness. Then, you can look at it and decide how to deal with it. If you don’t deal with it at all, it’ll be even worse and may create resistance and resentment. Self-awareness is sometimes annoying because it makes you confront things that are uncomfortable. But! Confront sooner, and later you can experience more freedom and joy.
As always, it can take a lot of time to figure out what you want and need. It can take a while for you to act upon what you want and need. This is all ok. Trust your growth process.
xx maggie