Just not ever good enough.

the haunts of perfectionism

Haunted by perfect.

Many smart thinkers consider the pursuit of perfection a worthy goal. The idea is to strive toward, not for, perfection. Whether or not we agree with this approach, the ghost of perfection certainly haunts our society in myriad ways.

We are constantly confronted with methods to improve our health, our bodies, and our bank accounts. New, improved products and regimes abound in nearly every industry, every year. Social media persistently pressures us to compare our lives to others and desire what we do not have. The algorithms know how to show us what we should do to fit in, look better, refine, or excel.

Striving toward-not-for perfection is a slippery slope.

Even if it fuels the production of quality work, perfectionism is inherently dysfunctional because it plays on unworthiness. Good enough is not perfect, thus we cannot be good enough if we are not perfect. The perfectionist mind is not satisfied with good enough, but neither good enough nor perfection exists. And so, we turn into endlessly optimizing machines in order to just get a little closer to the feeling of enoughness. It’s a trap.

There is no finish line.

It does seem like more people are talking about the messiness of the “journey” and that growth isn’t linear (e.g., “two steps forward one step back”). But doesn’t this still perpetuate the idea that there is a finish line? That there is somewhere specific to get to?

Perfectionism is dangerous because it often lurks under the surface, whispering that we are not enough in subtle, personalized ways. Because it is so normal to prioritize progress and self-growth, it can be difficult to distinguish when these impulses are coming from this place of felt deficiency. This is why perfectionism is such an insidious illusion: it is easily disguised as ambition, motivation, or dedication. The line is fine.

Perfection is dark on both sides of the spectrum. It can lead us to give up too early or quit too late. If we believe that trying means inevitably failing, it can be difficult to try at all. If we still believe that perfection is possible, we overdo it for too long, and miss out on the sweetness of life that is here, now.

The things we think we want.

I think most would agree that being perfect or happy all the time is unrealistic and impossible and boring. And yet, this persistent pull toward perfection remains a driving force of our society. It serves to inform our goals, plans, and how we spend our time and money. The concept of ‘mimetic desire’ describes this phenomenon — our desires are shaped by who and what we see around us.

From Luke Burgis, Mimetic Desire 101:

“Models are people who show us what is worth wanting…[they] are external signposts that steer us toward certain people, places, things, even lifestyles. Models seem farther up ahead on the path we’re on; they can see around a corner that we can’t see around. In short, we assume they have something that we do not...And so we follow them. Mimetic desire means that we make many of our choices according to the desires of others—our models.”

Our minds are designed to look for what is wrong to keep us safe and alive, and often lead us to mimic others to try to belong. When we’re caught up in the ‘if only’ narrative (if only I had this, if only I didn’t have to worry about that), we continue to get swept up in the hunt for perfection.

We must be able to find peace with what is here now.

You have your answers.

Especially at this time of year (happy winter solstice), the rat race toward betterment is in full force. Chances are, you don’t need a coach, a 30-day plan, or whatever else is being sold to your insecurities right now. It’s not that these things can’t be great, it’s that we often are driven to them out of feeling like we are not enough. Remember that no one has your answers, especially not anyone who says they do.

It’s ok to want to do well, improve aspects of yourself, and accumulate more of something than you have now. Wanting to feel like you look good and look like you feel good is very normal. You deserve to actually feel proud and confident in your life, so go ahead and pursue that.

Perhaps as this year rounds out, we can remember to always hold growth, as we define it, as the goal. Perhaps we remind ourselves that there is no real place to get to. Let’s not be corrupted by the perfectionistic mindset.

When we notice ourselves operating out of shame or fear, may we remember that we are still worthy of love. May we remember the place inside that is always good enough.

xx, maggie

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Recommended reading that has informed my thoughts: Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky; Hardwiring Happiness by Dr. Rick Hanson; Luke Burgis’ Anti-Mimetic newsletter