Let’s Update the Love Languages!
a worthy quest, right?
So a few days ago I decided (or rather, the idea approached me and I said ‘sure, come on in’) that I wanted to contribute to updating the love languages. Give them a little fluffing, pay some attention to the intricacies of the different ways people give and receive love.
Very good stuff.
So here I shall examine some of the nuances of the 5 basic love languages, and the confusing complexities of loving different people in different ways.
The Basics
I think that the “5 Love Languages” framework is a helpful start for thinking about what you want and need from others and for yourself. Having an understanding of some of the main ways people show love is great. We love awareness!
The Five as described:
Physical touch
A gentle pat or getting your hair washed
Hugs, etc - we ALL need physical human contact. Some just need more than others, in a variety of contexts.
Quality Time
A special day planned out
Running errands together
Being together while you work side by side
Gifts
Treats! Treats for your people! Treats for you!
Acts of service
Cooking, cleaning, doing something they need or want
Words of affirmation
Sharing verbal declarations of what the other person means to you
Empathizing with someone, acknowledging & validating their feelings
Being honest about your feelings about them! Expressing appreciation often!
Each Relationship Looks Different
This all relates to a bigger conversation about identifying needs and wants and feelings within relationships. I find it important to recognize that each relationship in your life can and will look different -- and that’s ok. No one person can satisfy all of your wants and needs -- we all have unique forms of expressing love and can offer different things to different people.
You’re always allowed to pivot out of relationships that are not serving you anymore (sorry my California hippie soul comes out strong sometimes) and you are allowed to move on! You are allowed to want different things in your relationships -- with a parent, partner, friend, roommate, sibling, coworker, etc. You only have so much time and energy to use every day, and you want to be investing yourself in relationships that feel mutually balanced and satisfying. There can be an abundance of love in your life, (and you deserve that!) but you do have to consider your own preferences and capacities.
I love specificity and Truth. Perhaps this is why updating the love languages to be more comprehensive has taken an interest to me. My intention is simply to provoke some thinking about how you like to give and receive love -- as well as what makes an act of love feel genuine and appreciated.
Here are some other ways people can love:
Listening -- actually listening, paying attention to what they’re saying
Validating their experience and feelings
Asking if they want advice — “do you want to hear what I think?” — before assuming that they want your advice
Listening, validating and being relatively accurate about what you’re hearing. You gotta be sensitive to what they’re actually saying. Listening and then responding with something that is entirely different or irrelevant is usually not helpful, and can potentially be hurtful and lead them to shut down entirely if they are sharing something tender
Being willing to figure out what someone needs or wants when they don’t know yet (lots of patience required here)
Offer to problem-solve with them
Initiating movement or an activity when your pal is depressed. Even if they don’t want it. If they really, truly don’t want you there, leave, but be discerning.
Giving what they didn’t even know they needed (requires closeness and understanding of who they are)
Reassurance of their decisions should they need it
Breathing together
Telling someone if they did something that hurt your feelings (this creates trust!!) (you can do this without blaming or shaming! Focus on how You Feel)
Physical company (just being present for something intense, not being alone even if you aren’t speaking)
Acknowledging the love that has been expressed. With a thank you. And also doesn’t need to be 50/50 reciprocal ALL of the time. It ebbs and flows! And by trusting that the other person is giving this love because they want to be is another story - but can really enhance a relationship. Having some language to speak about the ways you give and receive love is super helpful !! then it can be appropriately acknowledged and everyone feels more loved by the people they love!!!
I also crowdsourced from my very small pool of Instagram followers and received a lot of excellent new additions to the love language lexicon:
“Giving someone a judgment and expectation free space for them to grow into who they want to be”
“Food! Feeding people! Being fed! Sex and back scratches”
“Remembering schedules! Checking in!”
“Absorbing/inviting into friend group” (extending invites, being welcoming)
“Specific invitations to individuals”
“Listening to someone to hear them not just respond”
“Food! Cooking, packing, planning people’s fave meals”
“Honesty”
“Researching someone’s problems or interests on your own to understand them better”
“Cooking and baking”
“Book/movie/album recommendations”
“Finding things on the internet that remind you of them and sending it to them”
Little extra bits of curiosity I’m excited to explore:
Quality Time:
In my (very little research) A LOT of people replied with quality time being the most important -- which obviously brought up many more questions
Is it errands? Is it a special date? Purely physical company, talking not required? Does the time need to be structured?
Do facetime and texting and talking on the phone count?
Do you need breaks with alone time?
Also -- surprises. Do we like them? Are surprises cool?
In my opinion you just gotta be totally sure that they will be appreciative of the surprise. It also depends on how high stakes the surprise is:
Are you cleaning the bathroom as a surprise for your roommates?
Lower stakes (if they don’t notice you can just tell them and hopefully you get some appreciation)
Are you planning a Surprise Party?
Higher stakes! And there’s a lot more likelihood that the ‘fun surprise’ doesn’t get received well
No matter what, there is always the chance that you do not get the response you want when you show love. People have bad days. External circumstances can make things hard. It can be nice and helpful to just be honest about what you’re feeling and moving through to avoid unnecessary hurt feelings. (Sometimes feelings will just be hurt and that’s life. At least make the feelings you hurt be because you were doing the best you could to communicate and be honest.)
Specific and Genuine
So what makes an act of love truly valued / seen / heard / felt?
I tend to believe that the act of love needs to come from a genuine place in order to be fully felt and received. I think it’s more about the energy behind the act than the act itself. Are you giving because you want to be? Does this expression of love feel honest? Even earnestness can be genuine!
I don’t think that we can always purify Every Single act of love so that it is absolutely Angelic - we all have underlying intentions sometimes! And that’s ok! But at the very least, if you’re trying to get on someone’s ‘good side’, figure out what they’ll actually use/appreciate/need.
Being honest with yourself about how you want to express love/appreciation for someone, as well as considering how this person would specifically like to receive can be a good rule of thumb for when you want to do something special.
Also, I recognize that most people don’t walk around thinking about how they are going to express love today. That’s fine. I do think, though, that contemplating what makes you feel valued & cared for — as well as what matters to your People — will enrich and strengthen your existing relationships (as well as with yourself). And by deepening the trust in your core relationships, you widen your capacity for care and compassion for people in other areas of life as well. Fill your cup to overflow!
The Formula:
each relationship is unique and special in its own ways
we cannot get everything from only one human
giving from a place of Genuine giving + genuine receiving + acknowledgement
acknowledge when you feel cared for! ask for what you need & want if you know what you need & want!
you have tastes and preferences for a reason, respect them
a little extra care often goes a looong way
love yourself, love your people
xx maggie