Making Decisions, Changing Your Mind
(as an intensely emotional person) --part 1
How do you *know* things?? How do you know when to pivot? How do you know when you no longer want what you thought you wanted?
Questions that occupy my mind every day.
*disclaimer* I use the word ‘correct’ in all of my work as a catchall term for ‘what feels most true and honest’
Changing my mind
I change my mind all the fucking time. Or rather, my mind thinks it knows what it wants, and then changes itself as I accumulate more information, feelings, and as time passes. Ultimately, though, it’s the body that has the final say. “My body keeps changing my mind” as Karen Carpenter has said. That is not the focus of this post but stay tuned. Somatic intelligence is one of my faaaavorite topics.
I’ve gone ahead and accepted that when I *think I know* what I want, it’ll likely change a few times. We’re supposed to change our minds! We are not stagnant beings! Your life and relationships are not supposed to stay the same -- even if you have the same people / job / home, they’ve gotta be updated as your preferences, body, and needs change.
One of my greatest anxieties is that changing my mind sometimes upsets or disappoints people. In the past (and present, let’s be honest), I’ve said yes to things, or people, because I genuinely felt it was a yes. Then two weeks or months later, I have entirely changed my mind from a yes to a no. The fear is that I’ll need to back out of something -- and that part will feel so uncomfortable, and I’ll feel bad because I thought I wanted it but now I don’t, then someone else will be sad or angry at me. As a recovering people pleaser, this is a pattern that is really hard for me to work with. But! Nevertheless, I continue, because I am deeply committed to honoring what feels most true and correct, even as what feels most true and correct changes over time.
So my mission is to practice navigating ~plans~ without overpromising myself to things or people that I am not ‘sure’ about. This means that I wait as long as I need to to feel clear about whether I want to/can commit to something or someone, or not. And leave a LOT of room to pivot as the day unfolds, depending on the energy, my mood, etc. Important factors to consider.
I’m learning how to do this kindly and responsibly, because my actions do affect other people and I want to be a good friend and not a flake !!! I’m practicing trusting myself -- more specifically, trusting that I’ll be able to stop/cancel/leave when I feel it’s time, and not abandon myself, values, or preferences for the sake of ‘keeping the (dishonest) peace’.
Being honest builds trust ---- if I’m being honest about what I’m saying yes to, the people I’m spending time with can trust that I want to be there, genuinely. It’s better to be honest and risk hurting feelings than continue to be dishonest and lead people on (in any capacity). Once you know what you feel, communicate that.
another disclaimer: I’m not saying you have to tell people of ALL of your honest feelings ALL of the time. Be discerning & kind about what you actually need to share.
Certainty & Waiting for Clarity
When it comes to making a Plan or a Big Decision about something or someone, it takes me tiiiime to figure it out. Clarity is different from certainty: I am never 100% certain. On a good day, I'm 85% sure that what I’m doing/what I’ve chosen is what I want to be doing. A lot of times my attitude throughout the day is literally, “hum dee hum, this is fine, just doing my thing.” (Or, I feel super charged up or super low down: EXTREME —neutral, vibing — EXTREME are my mood patterns, yikes).
I often don’t know what I want until it’s happening -- and alternately, I often don’t know that I DON'T want something until it is literally happening and I'm like “whoaaaa never mind / gotta go / this feels wrong / must say no / just kidding, thought I wanted it but I don’t anymore! And now that I know that I don't, I MUST respect it and PIVOTTT!” Sometimes I have to literally START before I realize oh, it’s a no. Sound chaotic? You bet. But also makes for a pretty interesting life.
Humor me with the following analogy for a sec.
Someone hands you a roll of film to develop and gives you a *hint* that it is a picture of your New Dog. Woo! You haven’t seen the dog yet - in fact, you didn’t even know you’d be getting a new dog! The person (aka the Universe, who always wants what’s best for you, even if it’s Hard, we’re here to learn lessons and grow and enjoy life!) tells you that this dog will be the correct dog for you. (remember, correct=most true and honest).
You start developing the film old-school style and you're stirring it with a stick in the red room and gradually the picture starts to become more clear. You’re watching the whole process, and it’s slow (for some people, it happens lickety split, lucky ducks).
Part of you senses that it’s gonna be a Pug. Part of you hopes it will be a Doberman. Your societal conditioning tells you that honestly, just get a Lab and skip the waiting process (no hate, Labs are excellent dogs). As you continue watching the picture become clearer, you’re nervous. Who will it be?? How will I know that this is what’s right for me!? The Suspense! You just want to make the decision!!! It’s suddenly so urgent that you decide if this is the right dog for you before you’ve seen the whole thing!
Breathe. Talk to a friend in the meantime.
Ok, now you’ve waited enough — the whole picture is finally revealed. You may have a variety of responses:
Confirmation: oh yes, that’s what I thought it would look like. I was hoping for this dog all along, and I kinda knew it the whole time!'
Surprise: “what? That’s what I’ve been developing this whole time?? WOW! I had no idea!
Interest: ooh, ok, didn’t *think* this would happen but in retrospect, yeah I guess I did know this is the best choice for me. Makes sense that this is what I’ve been building to.
WTF? : Sometimes your pal the universe will PRANK you and you’ll wind up looking at a Siamese cat instead. Guess this cat was what you needed, after all.
As always, you can choose to get rid of the picture and go out and take one yourself. You have agency. (this might create more resistance, though)
This is a figurative example of what it feels like for me to make a big decision. Usually, I’ll be able to sense what the picture is going to look like at some point along the way. But I Must wait until it’s clear, just to be sure!
Typically, after this process, I arrive at a feeling of ok, this feels right for me. This feeling is often joined by a physical response (my body will sigh or smile or literally laugh out loud or a face scrunch or make the mmmm sound, you know what I mean?). And then I’ll be able to move forward with a deep knowing that this is what I’m choosing because it is what is most correct for me. Even if there’s some anxiety because now my decision might upset someone. But now I’m clear, so I trust.
Respect the pivot. Embrace the pivot.
Things take time to know.
Making plans or building a correct friend/relationship shouldn’t feel super stressful or hard. There should be a sense of ease and flow --- alignment, if you will. And if things do feel stressful and hard, either reconsider whether you want it, soften, slow down, take it easy. It’s gonna be ok. I like to routinely ask myself: where am I forcing things in my life right now? Where am I trying to “make it work” at the expense of my health or satisfaction? What needs to change, if anything, to allow more ease into my plans and relationships?
I’ll leave you this week with some general guidelines I often use when trying to figure out if I want to say yes to something/someone.
If I feel really nervous or stressed about the plan/job/person, it’s usually a ‘no’ or a ‘not yet’
‘not yet’ probably just means it’s not time to declare a Decision, because you need more information/time
‘not yet’ can transform into a ‘yes’ (now I’m ready, now it’s time, I feel good about this) or a ‘no’ (not what I want anymore, sorry gotta (respectfully and kindly) go)!
So. WAIT! Wait longer to decide. Communicate that you need some more time, that you’re unsure (for whatever reason). If the person is pressuring you and won’t back off, it’s probably a no.
Talk about your feelings with your people!!!!!!! Have them ask you yes or no questions.
Perhaps the most important to consider: “Is any part of this decision asking me to compromise my values or what I previously decided was important to me - what I identified that I *really want* ?” Interpersonal dynamics can activate you and bring up past challenging patterns. This can be confusing and have you spiraling about “is this really what I want or is this what someone else wants me to do??” You deserve to respect your intentions and values, even if it’s not what someone else wants. By being honest, you free them up to find what’s most correct for them too. (can apply to jobs, people, dinner plans, what color to paint the house, etc).
YOU get to make the decision. No one else gets to decide unless you let them.
Things are rarely an emergency. Just continue to update people about your feelings, so they stay informed of the important changes.
Don’t be afraid to make the call when you feel what’s right — say yes, or say no.
Whatever you choose, you’ll learn something.
xx maggie