The Answer is No.

Raising intuitive, empowered children requires us to be intuitive, empowered adults.

This may be a self-indulgent post—nevertheless, I persist, because the topic of raising children is near to my heart. Childcare has always been my line of work and the future of the world is created by the way today’s children are being raised.

I have some beef with some popular methods of parenting.

I was at the playground earlier today, and a grandfather started telling me about his son’s and daughter-in-law’s parenting techniques. They have hopped on the trend of “gentle parenting,” one that encourages authenticity by respecting the child as a whole human and seeks to offer choices instead of issuing demands. The gentle parent would never say “stop crying,” but instead kneel to the child’s level and empathize: “I see that you’re really upset”.

I have not studied the research behind Gentle Parenting enough to be able to specifically critique it. The problem with gentle parenting, and all related frameworks, is in how it is commonly and actually implemented. In particular, I take issue with the (seemingly) increasing number of adults who do not believe in telling children “no”, and who are afraid to assume any sort of authority because the “child knows themselves best”. This, as I’ve learned, is more aptly called “Permissive Parenting,” which can be distinguished from Gentle Parenting in theory, but unfortunately, as I’ve seen it anyways, not in practice.

“They never tell her (the toddler) ‘no’, and I think it’s bad for her,” this grandfather told me. “She doesn’t listen to or respect anyone.” The little girl had recently climbed on top of something that was beyond her capabilities, because she “wanted to”, and fell off, landing on her face on the pavement. I have so many more stories of situations like this, from friends and my own work: situations in which the adult, who earnestly wants to let the child “live their truth”, fails to guide or support the child in the ways they need. Kids do not always know what’s ‘best’ for them—they need adults in their life they can trust to actually be an adult.

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In many ways, I treat children using this sort of gentle parenting methodology—I’m all about promoting agency and independence. I believe in giving children options whenever possible, I allow them to have their feelings without shutting them down, and I never shame the choices they make. I do, however, know that kids need to be told no. In fact, I know that learning to deal with a no is possibly one of the most constructive tools an adult can teach a child. I say no all the time, because sometimes the answer is just no. At least five out of six times a day, my answer to the request “Maggie sing Moana” is “no I don’t want to right now.”

One of the popular theories floating around childcare land is the idea that kids know their bodies best. At its most fundamental level, I agree with this: you are the only one who lives in your body, and only you really know what your body is telling you. But, being able to tell what your body is telling you requires self-awareness, which children are still learning. A baby does not know what the sensation of “needing to pee” feels like—their body just pees. A toddler does not know what “being sad” means until they acquire some language and cognitive abilities—they just cry when something feels wrong. Children actually don’t always know what their bodies are telling them: they are learning to interpret their cues.

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I understand that people are nervous about fucking up their kids. Especially with it now being so mainstream to be in therapy and unpack your “childhood trauma”, I get why any new parent or teacher would be very anxious. The compulsion to let children self-direct their lives right out of the womb comes from good, if misaligned, intentions. Intuitively, giving kids choices rather than demanding they conform and behave feels better, too.

In many of the parenting podcasts I’ve listened to, however, there is a strangely fearful undertone of needing to do it all perfectly, so that each child grows up to be their authentic self all of the time, know all of the signs of their bodies, stop eating exactly when they are full, express their boundaries clearly, and have only secure attachment styles and definitely no trauma. Perfect.

I find this sort of fearful approach to be disempowering for adults. Instead of trying to prevent all potential negative aspects of existing, how about we nurture children’s innate resilience? How about we teach them to trust that they will be ok after a rejection, and that part of discovering their authentic self includes not being authentic sometimes?

It is very true that children can teach us lessons about listening to our bodies—they are so close to their emotions and sensations. It’s inspiring and impressive to witness a toddler move through a wave of intense emotion and forget entirely what they were upset about a moment later. Watching an infant reject an offer of food shows how primal our sense of knowing what to eat and when is. This kind of intimate closeness to one’s emotional and sensational landscape is something that we often become more and more disconnected with as we grow older, and spend hours in therapy trying to reconnect to.

It is very easy for children to be themselves, because that is all they know how to be. They come into the world relatively free of conditioning, partially blank slates. (It’s nature and nurture and how they interact.) While children may know how to be themselves, they do not know who that self is. A child’s consciousness, brain, and body is not yet developed: who they are is what they are discovering. It is the adult’s job to help guide, support, and empower them (and sometimes tell them no way absolutely not).

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When I worked at a therapeutic treatment camp, we lived by the phrase “limits are love.” We worked with a lot of kids who came from incredibly unstable homes and lacked adult support—what they needed was boundaries, not the freedom to do whatever they wanted. There’s a difference between letting a child grow authentically and discover their agency, and allowing them to have and do what they want, when they want to. I’ve found over and over that children crave limits—limits show them that they are being thought about, and loved, and cared for. Children are not adults—it is the adults who are responsible for guiding and supporting them. Telling a kid no when the answer is no correctly teaches them that life is not all yes.

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Life will tell us no in all kinds of ways, and we’ve gotta be able to handle it. We will be rejected and denied, and we can’t have everything we think we want or ask for. We have to learn what giving and receiving a no feels like.

As I see it, helping children become empowered, intuitive adults requires us to be empowered and intuitive adults. Raising a child who trusts and respects themselves requires us to trust and respect ourselves. A child should be able to trust that your no means no, and your yes means yes. This certainly translates to their ability to determine their own yeses and nos.

We can be wise authorities for the little ones in our lives: the wise authority guides gently, and also says no.

The answer is no. I know, it’s hard, and it’s ok that you’re sad about it.

(Deal with it and move on.)

(End rant.)

Maggie