I’m ready to write about rest. Admittedly, this is a topic I do not feel totally confident in or like I’ve gained much wisdom around. Nevertheless, I’m learning a lot about rest and want to relay it in a way that is honest and hopefully relatable to you.
Historically, I have had a hard time resting, unless I’m specifically and intentionally taking designated time off that I have pre-approved and feel deserving of. My relationship with rest is something to work on; I know this because I have before found myself wishing for a cold, or some other mild under-the-weather-ness that forces me to relax and take a day off. Other times I find myself desperately trying to prevent a real illness because I’m so focused on working or doing more, that I pretend for days like I’m not actually sick and so cause it to worsen—like I did a year ago, when I persisted through being a little bit sick until it turned into pneumonia. Part of me longs for more time to chill out, and sickness is one of the only legitimate reasons my brain approves of to do so. I know that’s a problem—hence why I’m addressing it.
When necessary respite days come, I do find myself able to embody the wisdom of rest. When I’m sick, I find it very easy to feel closer to my body and to what I need to do—even though I feel bad. It’s easier to sense when I need to rest or lie down or stop working, because I really actually need to. My body’s signals are loud.
It’s been a while since I’ve actually been sick (knock on wood), and in that while, I’m practicing rest outside of the context of it being Absolutely Necessary for healing purposes. I’m trying to figure out what ‘rest’ means, why I find it hard to justify in this busy world, and how to incorporate it in a way that makes sense.
This topic feels especially important to me right now because I’m preparing to be a therapist and I know in my bones I’ve got to get better at resting now—I won’t let myself burn out of this industry before I even start. I also can’t pretend that working too much or taking on too much stress isn’t a real reason why people become miserable.
Something about the narrative I hear about rest—or self-care, as it is often called—has never landed with me. When I see the ‘self-care’ conversation fire up on the internet or bookstores, I tune in with one ear while thinking half-heartedly, “yeah this isn’t for me”. I don’t feel connected to the rest-as-vacationing-on-the-beach or rest-as-getting-massages; nor do I wish to slow down, most of the time.
I tend to favor the opposite of rest—work. I have long admired the very-hard workers of the world. I admire the hustle and grinders; I value grit and dogged perseverance. When people describe how they got to a desired Point B with a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, I usually think yeah, that’s what it takes.
However, it is not lost on me that the glamorized aspects of hustle-and-grind culture does not capture the full picture: there are many, many people who work themselves to the bone and do not reach a publicized spotlight where they get to reflect fondly back on the laborious 14-hour work days it took to get them there; there are still others who get addicted to working and ruin their lives and relationships because of it. Still others don’t value hustling or grinding at all, and refuse to play into it—more and more, I think these people have the right idea.
I think, that like everything, there is a balanced approach to rest that includes the satisfaction of working hard without idolizing the endless grind. There is an approach to rest that does not require shelling out thousands for vacations and massages, that preserves the love of work and productivity, that is enjoyable, restorative, and accessible in a busy life.
Crazy, right.
When I think about what is actually restful to me, it is not lounging around for entire days or needing bubble baths—although, those activities can certainly fit into a restful diet. What genuinely feels like rest to me is having no rules: Meaning, no self-imposed rules about what I need to do or where I should go and how much I should be getting done. Rest, to me, is about the freedom to choose—free from expectation or obligation or pressure—what I’d like to do next. Rest does not require that I produce anything or check off a to-do list—even if that to-do list is filled with theoretically restful activities. The power of rest emerges when I get to choose what I feel like or want to do, without the mental angst of thinking I should be doing anything else. It is a mindset rather than an activity — a mindset that allows you to, well, rest.
Does that sound correct to any of you? The key aspect of genuine rest, self-care, or relaxation is your ability to choose what would feel good to do next. It’s about relaxing your mental expectations and doing what feels enjoyable in the moment.
This more intuitive, less mentally contrived approach to rest is a 180 from how I’ve been thinking about it: as a chunk of time to earn after working for a certain amount of time. At times, I’ve framed the ‘necessity’ of rest as a productivity hack rather than something we are inherently deserving of: you know, “Rest more and you work better” kind of thinking. While that is often true—if you get enough quality rest, you’ll be more effective at your job—it misses the point. It doesn’t strike the rest as deserving enjoyment and slowness chord. I’ll say it again, as that chord is a lot harder for me to strike: rest as deserving enjoyment and slowness.
To believe the essence of this message is to recognize that the point of life is not to produce, work, push, grind. The point of life is also not to always be constantly resting. A balanced life incorporates both rest and productivity, work and play.
To believe that we deserve to rest is to believe that we deserve enjoyment. That may be the harder pill to swallow for many of us—it cuts right through to our self-worth and to what we feel we have to do to deserve a break.
What I am learning is that not only are we already deserving of enjoyment and rest, but these things actually make us better people: calmer, kinder, more generous and compassionate. And yes, they will likely make us better at our work, too. A well-rested, satisfied-at-work human is one I both desire to be and to be around.
May we experiment with the perspective that rest and enjoyment and slowness are a necessity for a good life.
And may we feel deserving enough to carve out space for rest in the midst of our busy lives.
There is room for it.
Maggie
Say a little about the difference between self-care and Self-care.