Love to say no

The discipline of self-love.

No!

Part of loving yourself is saying yes to the things that you enjoy. Self-love recognizes that because you have a body, you deserve to feel good in it.

And, part of self-love is having the the grit to say no to yourself. To not allow yourself to default to what feels comfortable but isn’t what you really want. To not say yes to what you know deep down (or not so deep down) is not good or right for you.

Sometimes what you think you want to do is not what you actually want.

Sometimes self-love means that you muscle up to move out of the familiar, routine mode that is keeping you stuck. Uncomfortable, because what you’ve been doing is what your brain and body are used to, but sometimes what is right does not initially feel good.

Self-love requires discipline.

The work of some people is to become softer where they have grown rigid and tight. The work of others is to reconnect to their inner fortitude, strengthen their spines and become a little more stern with the inner critic that flattens them into doormats. 

We don’t want to be doormats or steel posts. We are living breathing humans who all have areas that deserve more firmness, and ones that deserve more tenderness. We can learn to accept and dance with the soft and the dense parts of ourselves.

Boundaries with yourself are important, too. As Jenna Zoe says, “the person you have to set boundaries with most is the negative voice inside of your head.”

You deserve the freedom that discipline brings — and the best part is, you get to figure out what ‘discipline’ looks like for your life. It doesn’t mean that you strip your house of all things fun and adhere to a regimen that will ultimately make you sad and neurotic — it means that you get to experiment with what will make you healthier in a way that feels right for you. It means that you look at the places where your inner critic steals the show, and at the areas of your life that could benefit from being more boundaried.

I think of telling my mind ‘no’ like I would a toddler. I hear you, I know, makes so much sense, and also, no you cannot do that. I know you wanted to, but, no.

Sorry!

If you know that xyz makes you feel terrible, stop doing it. If you know that xyz would make you feel amazing, start practicing. Take the first step, set the bar low, build incrementally, reach out for support — and keep in mind the expansion that you will reap from continuing to choose your healthier/happier self.

Discernment is a good ally.

Sometimes the inner voice urges us to give up because it’s too hard, but sometimes it’s saying to give up because it’s not right. Sometimes the voice in your head beats you up for not grinding out more work, and sometimes it’s encouraging you to keep going, don’t stop now because you can actually do this hard thing.

You have the tools to tell whether the voice you are listening to in your head is speaking truth or bullshit. It’s all about the energy from which the voice comes. Only you can know, because only you can hear it clearly. 

Self-love also requires forgiveness.

Maybe you are inclined toward perfectionism and rigidity. Maybe you tend toward laziness, declaring you’ll start tomorrow, and not holding yourself accountable to things that you decided were healthier and better for you. Maybe all of these tendencies show up in different areas of your life, at different times.

The great thing about self-love is that if you fall off the wagon, there is gentleness and forgiveness to catch you. And, a renewed commitment to being on the wagon, if that’s really where you are supposed to be.

Alex Elle said this, that “self-forgiveness is holding yourself accountable, but not holding yourself hostage.”

Would the voice of love hold you hostage to a ‘mistake’ you made or a moment in which you failed to fulfill something you said you would do? 

Never. The voice of love is purely loving. No shame or hostage involved. 

Wishing you a nice stern self talking-to, and some softness along with it.

xx, maggie