Am I able to contribute to this conversation in a way that doesn’t feel lethargic?
I don’t know. Self-care is an industry and also a basic human need. There are self-care “coaches” who market their $1750 courses about “becoming a self-care boss babe” (oof). And, there are plenty of voices say that self-care is laundry and grocery shopping and brushing your teeth. Self-care can certainly include massages and vacation, your jade face-roller, and the nicer linen shorts — great! I’m all about lymphatic drainage and I love the ocean.
At its core, though, self-care is prioritizing your mental/physical/emotional/spiritual wellbeing and making choices that feel right and good for you.
Figure it out!
What if self-care is as simple as giving yourself exactly what you need? Which is harder than it sounds, because it involves taking the time to figure out what you need. So often we are filled with so much clutter that it’s hard to really know what we need or what would make us feel good. So, before defaulting to what you ‘usually do’ or what you ‘think’ you need, sit with your internal world for a breath.
Set aside the thoughts that encourage disconnection and self-criticism. Check the impulse to spend buckets of money or stay endlessly busy. These are just conditioned habits getting in the way of hearing your intuition.
When my brother was in the throes of addiction, his body and mind would have said that what he needed to feel good was another handful of pills. Clearly, not in a state of being able to hear his intuition. Self-care could only happen after rock bottom (where you often have no choice but to surrender to something bigger than you). Sometimes it feels a lot worse before it can ever feel better.
Values as guides.
Self-care can be guided by your values. If you’ve taken the time to think about what values you want to live by, it can be easier to recall them when in turmoil. When you’re all wound up, remembering that it’s important to you to move your body and stay connected to your people can help you move forward. Sitting and spiraling probably won’t serve you as well as taking a walk and calling a friend.
Self-care is discerning whether you actually are living in line with your values. It’s knowing when to stop doing what isn’t working, and it’s having the grit to say no to what you know is not actually good for you.
Self-care is also remembering that you are experimenting with what makes you feel good in your body and that you will not always get it right.
Self-care is permission to honor your moods and do what feels best right now, and it is the self-respect to take a breath before reacting impulsively or by default. We make unclear decisions from a place of heightened emotion (or depressive states) that are often not reflective of our values. Have the awareness to question whether your inclination to doom-scroll for three hours is satisfying your need to ‘rest’ or whether something else might truly nourish you. You know the difference between rationalizing doing what your mind is conditioned to do and honoring your needs.
You deserve to feel good!
You really do! By simply existing on this earth you deserve to rest and eat and choose people and activities who fill you up. Regardless of how much you work or move or earn, nothing can take away from your inherent deservingness to live your most beautiful life. And in fact, it’s kinda your responsibility to the world to do so.
Knowing what I need to feel good requires me to be in my body. Which usually means that my self-care looks like protein and stretching or meditating with Sharon Salzberg. Or ice cream and going to sleep.
It’s exciting to think about how things might change if more people approached self-care from a place of ‘I deserve to feel good’.
Let it be so!
xx, maggie