The Subtle Forms of Kindness
Nonjudgment and acceptance
The theme for the month at my yoga studio is kindness.
What strikes me as the simplest way to practice kindness in daily life is not buying someone’s coffee or letting them pass you in the merge lane, but refraining from judging others. So often, our impulse to judge someone’s appearance, apparent position in life, or actions is just that—an impulse, arising unbidden from beyond our conscious mind.
Being judgmental or critical can give us the buzz of self-righteousness, the feeling that we know better, a temporary inflation of the ego. To act with kindness and think with kindness is not always the default our brains slip into. It requires a little bit of work to soften the blunt of criticism or judgment toward others and replace it with something more kind.
That act of softening, however, has the power to lighten your entire attitude or mood. We are kind not because it’s always what is easiest, but because it is what feels better, and is more congruent with our values or more evolved self.
Instead of impulsively slipping into a judgmental mindset, can you offer the other person the most generous interpretation of why they might look, behave, or be the way they are?
The most generous interpretation: the kindest and most generous way you could look at the situation, sans judgment and self-righteousness.
Kindness directed toward the self is one realm that is often difficult even for people who are naturally outwardly kind: being kind to yourself, hands down, is hard.
When we tune into our inner dialogue, we often find that it is remarkably unkind, judgmental, non-accepting. That little voice that is constantly narrating our days has a lot to say about everything we’re doing wrong: it doesn’t like this, it thinks that should be different.
Usually, if we are quiet for a moment, we can observe the mental chatter in the mind: What is it saying now? What does it say about what you are doing with your life? About your friends? Your job? How busy you are?
Chances are, the default mental chatter in your mind tells you what is wrong or bad or how it wishes things were different. How it wishes you were different.
Observing this nonstop chatter creates some distance from it, allows us to look at it a little more objectively. From there, we can choose to do something different with it; to interfere with our mental narrative by replacing its default thoughts with those that are a little more kind. Kind and believable, I should say.
We all have areas in our lives in which we are remarkably hard on ourselves. For me, it is productivity and work—there’s always something that my mind says is wrong, or that I should be doing better.
When you’ve identified one such area of life, ask yourself: What is the most generous interpretation of me, in this moment?
How can I look at myself, my body, my work, my life, through a more generous and kind lens?
Instead of self-criticism or self-judgment, try self-kindness.
You know, being nice to yourself.
You’re doing a good enough job. You’ll keep trying. You can relax. It’s ok to slow down. You are getting better. You are ok.
Be kind and be soft,
Maggie