To Quit or To Stay

Quitters can definitely win.

I quit one of my jobs this past week. Though I have not written about quitting for a while, it remains a topic I think of often: When is quitting the right thing? When is it best to stay and work through whatever is causing you to want to leave, and when is it best to just…leave?

Societal attitudes around quitting typically land squarely on one side of the quitting spectrum or the other. There is the increasingly common and popular advice to quit immediately if something is not exactly what you want or if it doesn’t feel totally aligned—you know, the “if it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no” kind of thinking. Alternatively, there is the advice to never give up on something (or someone); to continue to work really hard on what isn’t working, to never quit even when you really, really should.

Of course, the more consistent truth lies somewhere in between the always- and never-quitters: It’s sometimes better to quit, and it’s sometimes better to stay.

I used to believe that every time you quit one thing, it meant that something better would come in to fill the space. I’ve amended that belief now, as it seems only partially true (and too naively optimistic). Quitting or leaving something doesn’t guarantee the next thing will be better; in fact, it may mean that you wind up in a very similar position if you haven’t learned anything from what you just left behind. This is why you may find yourself repeating the same, undesired patterns in your jobs and relationships and various social dynamics. When you try to change the outside without really changing anything inside, not much actually changes.

My new understanding of quitting is this: leaving because it truly feels right—especially if it’s hard to do—creates the potential to move into something else that is even more right and good for you. Key word: potential.

Generally speaking, I lean pro-quitter: life feels too short to spend extra time doing what you hate, or what isn’t working, or what is holding you back. Quitting can send the powerful message that you value your time and energy enough to seek something better, and then create the space for that something better to arrive. Still, intentionally changing your life by quitting or leaving requires a bit more work than just submitting your two week notice: you’ve got to be willing to get a little uncomfortable. Quitting asks of you to take the risk to step into the unknown, welcome in change and face uncertainty. It invites you to recognize how you can learn from your past mistakes, recognize where you are in part responsible for the problems you just left behind, and take action to create what you want to experience now, instead.

I’ve definitely had some spiritual growing pains this last week. Every inch of my former people-pleaser nature screamed against me quitting my job; this job that was, really, not working out for me anymore. For me, disappointing others is always the most uncomfortable part of quitting, leaving, or saying no. I’m no stranger to disappointing people, either, but it still hurts, every time. Even the possibility of letting someone down hurts, and makes me feel terribly guilty. Part of me continues to believe that my job is to make sure that everyone around me is happy, comfortable, and never upset because of me.

Luckily, a bigger part of me continues to believe that the choice that may disappoint other people beats disappointing myself. I’d rather do the hard-but-right thing than live in fear of doing hard things and let myself down.

Quitting because it genuinely feels right is supposed to still be hard. It’s uncomfortable to leave something—or someone, for that matter— that you’d committed to. It’s hard to have conversations you’d rather avoid, and it’s awful to know that you are indeed upsetting someone who previously relied on you. And still, quitting because it genuinely feels right is one of the most magnetic things you can do. In doing so, you open the door for positive change and the opportunity to grow.

If you need it—here is your permission to quit the thing that you feel is holding you back, or isn’t working, or just really is not what you want. You get bonus points if you’re scared of upsetting other people by quitting—moving through that fear will make you stronger and more resilient. Do the work to really move on from whatever you’re leaving behind, so that whatever’s next will be more (dare I say) aligned with what you want.

If your hard thing right now is to stay instead of quit, then by all means, stay and work. Don’t run from something just because it’s hard; but do make sure you’re choosing the right hard thing.

Onward, quitters.

Maggie