Unconditional positive regard

Radical acceptance as a way to freedom.

Radical acceptance is a way to freedom. The more we can accept ourselves and each other exactly as we are, right now, the easier it is to cultivate joy and peace. Acceptance is not a passive surrender to this is how it will always be, it is actually a key step to authentic change on an individual and collective level.

Total acceptance.

One of Carl Rogers’ three necessary components of therapeutic change is ‘unconditional positive regard’ — a total acceptance of the feelings, thoughts, perspectives and experiences (etc) of the other. Carl defines this phrase in the context of therapist/client dynamics, but it can be applied to all. Unconditional positive regard does not focus on whether you like the person or agree with all of their actions — it seeks to build trusting relationships by respecting and accepting the other in their entirety, without judgment or evaluation.

Having unconditional positive regard for others does not mean you are a doormat or have porous boundaries. We can accept people without trying to change them, and still stay in our integrity. Acceptance and preference do not necessarily go hand in hand, and honoring your preferences is the key to a good life.

Conditional positive regard can be extremely harmful, especially in parent-child or therapeutic relationships. Withdrawing love or support when ‘mistakes’ are made or when you don’t act in accordance with the ‘rules’ only creates more mistrust and pain in the world. (And the way we are treated as children affects how we treat others as adults, round and round we go).

At therapy camp, maintaining unconditional support and forgiveness for the kids was part of what was so healing for them. Throw a rock at my head and call me a bitch but let’s process this and I’ll still rub your back as you fall asleep tonight because you did not have healthy models at home and I am here to show you that you can be loved and accepted while still holding you to firm boundaries and expectations!

No matter what, your extreme worthiness remains inherent to your humanity.

How do you know how they should grow?

You don’t have to compromise your values in order to practice unconditional positive regard. Sometimes acceptance means we never speak to that other person again. You don’t have to welcome back in people who betrayed you, or people who you don’t care for or are unhealthy for you. I certainly don’t. We cannot force anyone to grow or be different, and we shouldn’t try.

Ram Dass says of relationships — “you create an environment with your own work on yourself, which you offer to another human being to use to grow in the way they need to grow. You keep working – you become the soil – moist and soft and receptive so the person can grow the way they need to grow, because how do you know how they should grow?

Then, it can change.

In order for anything to change, it must be acknowledged and accepted. If it’s trapped or being judged inside you, it’ll wreak havoc on your little heart and life. Notice and name it to set it free. You’re sad? Of course. Angry? Ok. Confused? Lost? Sure, ok, absolutely, yes. Makes sense that you are feeling this way, because this is how you are feeling.

Recognizing a feeling is the first part of the process — you must then let it move through you without attaching to it. Allow it to transform. Validation is great, but fixating on any one feeling or thought is a recipe for misery. We must also allow what’s wrong the opportunity to change.

I think the way to grow best is to accept yourself all the way through life, even as life changes. Nothing can take away your deservingness to know love and to know peace.

May it be so!

xx, maggie

P.s. listen to the latest episode of the podcast! We talk about clarity and discernment — how do we know what’s right and when?