You can actually just feel your feelings.

you can actually just let them happen!

Let’s operationalize ‘feelings’ for the sake of this article: “Any emotion, state of being, mood, or sensation that you are experiencing in your body”

Part 1 - Backstory

During my first session at the Eating Recovery Center of Sacramento, my therapist said to me “hey! I believe you can recover from this [eating disorder]. You might not believe it yet, and that’s ok, but I'll hold this belief for you until you want to take it for yourself.”

I was SO angry when she said this. Retrospectively, I consider it the most beautiful gift I’ve been given --  the idea that what I thought was impossible was actually possible.

A few weeks later, she handed me a post-it note that I still have on my dresser in Chicago. ((it’s about ~how to feel your feelings~ ))

It says: 

1. Notice it 

2. Name it 

3. Tolerate it (in helpful way)

4. Befriend it (what is it trying to get me to pay attention to? ) 

And so! I began to learn how to feel my feelings. And I am still learning. 

This article is for the folks who have done some emotional unpacking / self-development / mental health work, who are interested in what it looks like for someone (me) to integrate and apply what she's learned in therapy about ~feeling feelings~ with the intention of living a more easeful, enjoyable, liberated life that serves the collective and the Earth.

If that’s you, keep on reading! 

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Part 2 - Potentially Helpful Info

I’ll start with a couple of things I feel are important to understand to set up the point of this article, which is ultimately “you can actually just let your feelings be felt and it will be ok.”

Why you are the way you are (informed by my degree in human development) 

The way our bodies are designed, and all of the circumstances we grow up in, lead to why “you are the way you are”. Nature and nurture! It's not a debate.

"I am the way I am" because: 

a. "I was born in this body and these are my genetics" as well as

b. "I experienced these people and these situations and relationships and hardships, etc, and all of these things combined have shaped the way I show up in the world"

a non-exhaustive list of factors that shape the way we show up in the world:

1. the bodies we were born into

2. the people we were raised (or not raised) by

3. the circumstances of our lives (that’s right! It’s that macro!)

4. the access we had to resources that we required to fulfill our basic needs for food, health, housing, community, spirit (whatever spirit means to you)

5. friendships, family relationships, communities you were/are a part of

6. the way we were treated in school, our performance in school - and how our performance in school was responded to by peers, teachers, parents

7. the beliefs and values of your family and the culture around you

8. whether you were supported in the ways you needed to be during and after puberty

9. how the people around you dealt with conflict (or didn’t deal with conflict)

10. the relationship you developed with authority figures

11. literally everything that was modeled to you as a child - how you should/shouldn't behave, what you are allowed and not allowed to do, what is wrong and what is right according to the people in your life who 'taught' you

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Part 3 - Suppression & Repression, Societal Conditioning

SO! We are being constantly conditioned by existing in the world -- conditioning is not inherently bad. However, because we were not raised by ‘the most enlightened version of ourselves,’ there are things we missed out on and there are ways we were conditioned that were unhelpful and harmful, and affect how we live right now that we’d probably prefer were different. 

As I see it, most of us have been socially conditioned to either suppress our emotions or try to immediately “solve” them. Most of us were not taught how to feel our feelings in healthy ways, especially those of us sensitive babes who had a lot of Big Feelings that overwhelmed the adults!!!

From such a small age, we are talked out of or shamed for our feelings. “Oh don’t cry! There’s no reason to be sad sweetie! You’re STILL hungry? Stop crying!!!”

suppression of feelings is voluntary — i.e., choosing to not engage with uncomfortable thoughts or memories, trying to forget painful things. suppression is not always bad! but when you suppress anything & everything that feels remotely uncomfortable, the feelings can get stuck and build up until they MUST be released (and often manifest in destructive ways).

repression of feelings is involuntary — happens on its own as a defense mechanism because your body learned that it was not safe to feel this way. This is unconscious.

Alternately, many people overindulge in their feelings. This can look like wallowing in self-pity to the point of not taking any action, or identifying as an Angry Person and taking it out on all of your people. 

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Part 4 — You can let your feelings be felt.

Back to my story, and the point of this article, which is in part to give permission for others to allow their feelings to be there. To exist. To FEEL without overcomplicating or over-explaining, without shaming or shutting down, without overindulging or giving too much credit to your current emotional state.

I spent many years entirely so cut off from my emotions that I didn't feel much of anything, ever. That was what the function of the eating disorder had become: a place to focus all of my mental and emotional energy so that I couldn't feel anything but Hungry. When I first began treatment in 2014, I became deeply involved in the language of emotional intelligence and self-discovery -- I was driven by the questions of "what am I even feeling? Why can’t I cry? Why do I feel nothing?” 

“I don’t know how I feel !!! I don’t know what I need! I don’t know what I want!”  (my inner dialogue)

I became obsessed with figuring out how to FEEL THINGS again. And here are some things I discovered. 

—> Sometimes it’s helpful to find reasons for why you feel this way. identifying feelings and “figuring out where they came from” (i.e., tracing back the root) is incredibly supportive of a robust, honest, [insert preferred adjective here] life.

and also, this can be a lot of mental work, and is not possible or necessary for everyday life!

There is a simpler way to navigate feelings that lies in between overindulging and suppressing -- a middle ground, a place I call Emotional Freedom.

Emotional freedom, to me, is a way of being in which: you allow your emotions to live their whole life. You don’t overidentify with any one specific feeling, because you understand that there is a transitory nature to your emotional chemistry and that they (your emotions) will change and they will flow through and you can experience all of them and be Ok. 

You can actually just let your feelings happen. You can actually just feel them! It's not such a big deal. They will course through you, and maybe they slow you down, or lead you to make a different decision, or alter your life in subtle or grand ways. Your emotions will inform your life and choices, but they do not have to control your life. 

You can actually just feel your feelings -- or rather, you can just let your body feel what it is feeling. Whether that is tired, energized, silly, low, sad, angry, happy, ETC. 

Disclaimer:

I am not speaking of states of heightened anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc. I hope that you are understanding what I am actually talking about, which is the up and down moods & feelings of daily life. Seek treatment for persistent states of extreme emotions that inhibit you from living your life or manifest in ways that cause harm.

Sometimes, situations trigger big scary feelings in your body that make you feel unsafe (Not Ok) when you are actually safe in this moment. Sometimes, your body registers Things (people, situations, etc.) as a threat to your safety because it remembers having experienced something like it before and is afraid of it happening again. This is your body trying to be your buddy! You could have an intense emotional reaction (or a trauma response) to something Not Ok that happened years ago that is still lingering. It isn’t actually happening now but it FEELS like it is and that makes it very real in your body. These big scary feelings need to be respected and processed in order for them to be fully released.

more on this topic at another time because it’s SO incredibly important!! I studied Trauma Sensitive Yoga while I was in college and it greatly informed much of how I move through and understand the world.

Simple, not easy.

Feeling the feelings that are there in your body really can be that simple — which is why I think it’s such a radical idea. Your feelings will change and go up and down again & again & again. They're just part of the human experience.

What if when we hear someone say "I'm feeling sad right now," we fully accept that it is ok to feel sad. and we don’t rush to Fix it or rationalize out of it. AND, we don’t overdo it (“OH NOOO! You’re sad? Why are you sad?? I’m SO SORRY you’re feeling sad ugh poor thing” *sympathy sympathy*).

Because like, it’s actually ok to just be a little sad! (if you weren’t ever sad then you wouldn’t know what happiness even felt like, right?)

The sad is THERE, people, just feel it so it will move on. You don’t have to like it. And then just by acknowledging that you are feeling sad and you’re going to let yourself be sad instead of rushing to fix it or explain it away, THAT is when you implement your coping skills! 

I bet you all have extensive lists of coping skills, but if you don’t:

Go on a walk! Change your location! Call a friend! Buy a treat! Bake a cake!  Watch a movie! Dance like crazy! MOVEMENT! Hold an ice cube! Write in your journal! 

By acknowledging the feeling in you, you don’t give it as much power. It’s just a feeling. Might be uncomfortable, but that is not a reason to not feel it. It’s just a feeling! And with the AWARENESS of the feeling you now have agency -- you can then make a conscious choice about how you want to handle the feeling and thus, give it the space it needs to move through you. 

so. these words are for the people who need to hear them: you can stop trying to fix or shut down your feelings. Your feelings are correct: the fact that they are here means that it is correct for you to be experiencing them. Let the body do most of the work -- the body will feel them for you. You get to make the choices about what to do while your body is feeling them. 

You can decide that you’d like to practice feeling your feelings -- start by playing with the idea that ‘it’s possible for me to just feel my feelings and not suppress or overidentify with any specific one.’ It’s possible, but don’t take my word for it - you gotta try it for yourself.

In sum: 

Ok so I know what I’m feeling right now. (‘I don’t know’ is a perfectly fine answer, too)

Now what do I do with that???

Feel it. Allow it to be there. Let it pass through. 

So my updated post-it note about the state of Emotional Freedom (lol, if you’re new here I am dramatic and intensely think about things like emotions all day long). 

1. Name the feeling (even if it’s “I feel a little off/weird”)

   1. I’m feeling sad right now.

2. Accept that it is Present in your Body and that you will allow it to be there.

   1. Ok, there is sad in me right now. Hello, Sad! 

   2. (a lot of the time, a simple acknowledgement of your feeling will allow it to dissipate)

3. Ask yourself (or have someone else ask you) what you need/want to support yourself in this feeling. (this is where your Coping Skills come in handy)

4.  Let the feeling live its whole life, as you live your life! It’s ok to let it be there, you don’t have to figure it out all right at this moment. It will pass through.

This way of being, for me, is often intense and dramatic. Also — by practicing living this way, I feel more free.

xx maggie