You Don’t Need Self-Care, You Need To Care For Someone Else

The gift that keeps on giving this holiday season.

We’ve officially entered the holiday season and therefore the final push of the year: a time characterized by family, good food, and love; and also, as it often turns out, by anxiety, exhaustion, and obligation. In other words, this time of year stresses people out, for various reasons.

Are you feeling any of that good old end-of-the-year pressure yet? I sure am. I think I might be busier than I ever have been—a life of my own making, surely. I’m perpetually exhausted and ready for a break. I know I’m not alone in that.

The advice that circulates in the self-help world this time of year revolves around setting boundaries and self-care: you know, not overextending yourself, saying “No” to events or requests in favor of prioritizing one’s mental wellbeing, and engaging in personalized acts of caring for yourself. More massages and yoga classes, anyone? A bubble bath or a takeout-for-dinner night?

Yes, I’m writing with tongue in cheek: much of the self-care jargon is overused and misses the point. While undoubtedly, being more caring toward oneself is a message most of us could stand to hear again, I wonder if we can add onto that message this year. I suspect that what a lot of us probably need is not to focus on ourselves even more so than we already are. What I’d bet a lot of us do need is to pull our gaze away from our navels and focus on someone other than ourselves.

[navel-gazing: self-indulgent contemplation of ourselves or a single issue; without regard to the bigger picture]

Here is how I’m thinking to deal with the pressure and busyness of these final few weeks of 2024: without sacrificing yourself or health or sanity, focus on what you can offer others this holiday season. Think about what you value and the causes you care about, and do something to serve someone else.

That’s technically the spirit of the holidays, right—giving?

There will always be plenty of reasons to contemplate yourself, your problems, your boundaries. It’s important to take care of yourself, and it isn’t selfish to focus on what you need or want. You are the only one who has to live your life, after all. You deserve to pursue your version of fulfillment and satisfaction.

And yet, dwelling too long in the waters of self-contemplation can come at the cost of losing sight of the bigger picture: a bigger picture in which we are not the most important protagonist or the “main character,” but a single character among billions, with whom we cohabitate on this great green earth. In a society that prioritizes acting of one’s own self-interest, and which can increasingly be lived with minimal physical contact with other people, it might take a little extra effort to remember our inherent communality: nevertheless, it is indeed inherent. We are one of many, one part of a whole. Let us not forget that we are here together, and we ought to take care of one another.

I’ve found that focusing my attention elsewhere from myself and my problems actually lessens my anxiety over said problems. Further, those problems often wind up being solved of their own accord without my dogmatic attendance to finding their solution.

What makes you a better person is not just how you perform self-care or what boundaries you set during the holidays. It’s not just about how you treat yourself—although you should treat yourself well. Becoming a better version of yourself—one whom others might enjoy being around during the holidays—is also about what you offer other people; the way you treat your family and friends; how you care for the people around you. This does not require self-sacrifice, or excessive people-pleasing, or neglecting yourself for the sake of caretaking. It does, however, mean that you offer more than your solo self-care acts to make the world a better, more loving and compassionate place. By proxy, your life and relationships improve, too.

So in the midst of a lot of uncertainty and an historically stressful, busy time of year—may we seek to take care of someone else this holiday season. In the spirit of giving, let us actually give, to the places and causes and people for whom we care.

There is so much pressure, which mostly comes from online, to be constantly supporting rotating social movements or working to solve the crisis of the day. I think this winds up deterring more people from actually doing anything to support the causes they really care about: it’s too daunting to even try, since we can’t make a difference everywhere. This pressure to be on the “right, action-taking side” of every social cause immobilizes us, rather than promotes us to take action. Of course it’s easier to focus on our self-care and boundaries.

(Sorry, couldn’t help myself from going there.)

Trying to solve the world’s problems is usually neither realistic nor helpful: Addressing problems that are happening around you, in your own local community, however, may actually be both realistic and helpful. Small-scale, local contributions that matter to YOU and your community matter a lot. And they make you feel better, too: useful, even, like a contributing member to this society of which you are a small part.

Maybe you care about increasing access to locally grown food, or making sure the beaches are clean, or feeding people, or providing health care. Maybe you care about spreading the gospel about the negative impact of social media in children (please join me) or providing toys to little ones who don’t have any. Maybe your neighbor just had surgery or your new coworker doesn’t have family in the area—those are the people in your community who might benefit from a little extra love.

Go toward what you care about; ask yourself what you can offer others, and then go do it. That’s my suggestion for self-care this holiday season.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for you to spend the next few weeks running yourself ragged pouring into other people—no one can drink from an empty cup, after all. Of course, take care of yourself. Say no to those pesky festive events if you need a night in; go to bed earlier; and yes, draw a lavender essential oil bubble bath if you want one.

And, take care of others, too. By focusing on giving and offering support in ways that are meaningful to you, you will inevitably watch your own cup be filled as a result. Keep the love flowing from one cup to another: there is enough to go around for all.

Happy (early) Holidays—

Maggie