You are not for everyone.

On living as yourself

Not my cup of tea.

A few weeks ago, someone I had briefly met described me as “not [her] cup of tea.” When this comment was relayed to me, I found myself unbothered and rather amused. Guess I hadn’t made a positive first impression.  

The context of the situation gave me a good idea of why she reached this immediate conclusion, and I actually agree that I’m probably not her cup of tea. Perhaps if I’d been acting inauthentically, I’d have felt misrepresented. If someone I’m close with had said this, maybe I’d have been dismayed. But it was such that I was being my normal little self, and this person was evidently just not interested.

Once upon a time I cared a lot about what strangers think of me, and cared a lot more about what people I know think of me. The latter is still true, but no longer drives my actions in limiting ways. I don’t spend hours strategizing how not to ruffle feathers, nor do I agonize about trying to change my mood, or pretend to be interested when I’m not.

Many people I meet like me, I’m sure plenty feel neutrally, and a few dislike me greatly. The people close to me like me, most of the time, and that’s enough. It has to be, frankly. I can’t appease everyone and I don’t have to.

So there, I can feel my indignant inner child declaring.

The line “be yourself” (everyone else is taken, after all) constantly cycles through society. There are countless iterations of this timeless message; you do not have to go far to find a nice quote about embracing your uniqueness.

The message itself is a worthy one. But what does it mean to live as yourself? The challenge of authenticity seems not to be about claiming a label (or five), but about being willing to explore what it feels like to actually live honestly, even if it is uncomfortable, even if we are misunderstood or rejected along the way.

From describing ourselves to being ourselves.

Categories, words, and labels are purposeful; they are a big part of how we communicate. Creating bios under 150 characters is a component of participating online. Applying to jobs or attracting potential lovers on apps requires us to be able to choose words that accurately convey who we are, what we can offer, and what we’re looking for.

Finding a word or category that feels right can be gratifying and relieving. Hearing someone else describe what you also relate to can feel deeply meaningful. Words that describe you, however, are not you. No collection of labels can capture the complex entirety of your essence.

Who you are is not what you identify as, but the one experiencing what is coursing through your body.

The point is not to avoid labels, but to remain willing to let them change as we do. Some identities we hold will inevitably change, and some will remain relatively constant. When something begins to feel constricting or inaccurate, we can let it shift into something different. We deserve to let ourselves continue to evolve.

What if the only thing you need to determine whether you’re being yourself in any given moment is the question am I telling the truth to myself? Only you can know if you’re denying your feelings, faking it, or pretending to be satisfied or grateful when you aren’t.

For me, living as myself means respecting my energy, making decisions based on what feels right, and allowing myself to be moody and broody. Being myself is not about being gay or a writer or having a Sagittarius moon, but about what I am feeling and doing in every moment.

Being yourself is not a perfect process — it includes running up against what you are not and spending time feeling out of sorts. Your past versions of you are also you, and need not be cast away for not being healed or whole enough. Part of being yourself means not being yourself sometimes, and feeling the discord that this produces. 

Easy to be you.

There is a common idea that it is very hard to be yourself, that the world is stacked against you, and the odds are not in your favor. To varying extents based on your circumstances, this can be true. Negative cultural conditioning and structural barriers everywhere make it more difficult to live in alignment. We can’t do everything we want, all of the time, either, because life doesn’t work that way.

Nevertheless, your true self persists. It wants to be lived from, and is always seeking expression. The state of being who you are is easeful, because it is your very nature. You actually do know how to be yourself, and life will give you all kinds of opportunities to practice doing so.

Living as who you are not will bring challenges, and living as who you are will also bring challenges. I’d rather choose the honest kind of hard that comes with being myself.

Be your own cup of tea. Not everyone will like it, and that’s ok.

xx, maggie

Related reading: The Untethered Soul and Living Untethered by Michael Singer