35 Pieces of Advice for Developing the Self
35 Pieces of Advice for Developing the Self
What actually is worth experimenting with; what actually has worked.
In the spirit of trying something new, I’ve put together a list of various pieces of advice and knowledge I’ve gleaned from occupying the self-help/development/wellness world. I’m no expert, but after dozens of self-help books, hundreds of podcast hours, and eight or so years of experimenting with an assortment of self-development style practices, there are some things I have indeed learned.
Over the years, I’ve become less willing to try anything that promises “expansion” or “healing”, and shifted to be more practical and selective. I’m interested in who has wisdom worth trying out, and what advice actually helps.
How do I really become a better version of myself? What actually works? What’s worth experimenting with? What advice has shown itself to be useful?
Here are 35 answers to these questions.
Be skeptical of anyone who tells you they have a protocol or list of rules for you to follow. Yes, even if that protocol sounds innocuous and helpful. Even if the person in question helped “thousands” do something like “reclaim their power” or “master their body’s wisdom”. Extreme statements usually indicate bluffing; turn the other direction.
You can find information on the internet to corroborate anything you want to believe. Be discerning about your sources, and about your mindset when you’re trying to “educate yourself” about a topic. Remember that what you want to believe is not necessarily true, and that no one person has all the answers.
There’s a certain desperate energy from many people who want to “help you” that feels pushy and demanding, even when they’re sparkly and charismatic on the outside. Pay attention to who feels empowering, and who feels like they’re preying on your fear and insecurities. The former might be someone worth listening to.
The people you hang out with in real life really matter to your psyche and overall wellbeing. I won’t call anyone an “energy vampire” or “toxic”, but I will say to notice how you feel around the people in your life. If you feel consistently drained, irritated, or unmotivated—maybe find some new friends.
In that same vein: when you deem someone “toxic” or want to cut someone off, stop and turn it back on yourself. How are you contributing to the dynamic you’re having a problem with? Take responsibility for your part; be mature.
Not everyone needs to understand you or the way you do things. Wanting people to approve of you is usually a sign to ask yourself what you are missing from your life. Can you find approval within you?
No one can force you to do anything, nor can you force anyone to do anything. (Unless you’re in a cult, or there are other forms of abuse going on.)
You can’t change anyone, especially if you try.
Pay attention to what you are judging people for; chances are you’re also exhibiting some of those same behaviors and attitudes.
If you don’t like the people you follow on social media, unfollow them. Even if they were someone you knew in high school. You don’t actually owe anyone your social media energy! Evaluate whether who you are following is legitimately adding something you value to your life. If not…unfollow and be free!
The better parts of life happen outside of social media. It’s a tool for facilitating connection; it’s entertaining and often educational. Though it can sometimes give
the illusion of being a community, it’s not.1
Haters are gonna hate. Don’t bother trying to change their minds.
Adults can be bullies, too. (Imagine them in their underwear?) Resist the elementary school urge to stoop to their level.
If you feel like something is off between you and someone else, it probably is. Talk about it; don’t avoid it any longer.
If someone wants to understand you, they will. If they don’t want to understand you, they won’t, so no need to bend over backwards trying.
Trying to dissect your past to explain your future may help you understand yourself, to a certain point. But after that point, it begins to limit you. Maybe, stop trying to figure out why-you-are-the-way-you-are for a while. Focus on simply experiencing and feeling life as you.
It’s often true that leaving behind one thing leads you to something better, even if it takes a while. And, it’s also ok to continuously grieve what you parted with. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for your present; it means that aspects of your past were beautiful and worth missing.
You don’t have much control over your life. That could be terrifying, or liberating, or both. Focus on the little slivers you can control. Surrender.
Sometimes, what you thought you wanted is not what you actually want. Stay open to new opportunities and ideas, even if you think you know where you’re going and what you’re doing. Chances are, you don’t really know.
Terrible things will happen to you. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself for them, it will still be absolutely breathtakingly terrible if or when these things happen. Try not to waste your energy worrying about the future.
Do what you can to stop worrying. Address your worries, write them all down, assess if they have any validity, and then, seriously, stop. I know, it sounds presumptuous and patronizing, and it’s really hard! Worrying doesn’t help you prepare for the future, and it’s bad for your health. Don’t bother worrying about how much you’re worrying, either.
Don’t think yourself above professional help. Don’t pedestalize professionals, either. They’re just people, too.
You deserve the satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment that making changes to your life brings. Start taking steps toward what you want; you’re worthy of it.
Coddling usually limits growth. Where are you being coddled? Where are you unhelpfully giving yourself a free pass? Where in your life might you need the now-unpopular advice “pull yourself up by your bootstraps, damn it?!”
Your feelings might be “valid”, but it doesn’t mean they’re true.
If you feel awful: eat some protein. Drink an entire glass of water. Sit down, breathe. Write your thoughts down. Call a friend. Cry. Drink another glass of water. Ask yourself if you’re trying to avoid something, and face what you’re avoiding. Take a walk! Move the stagnant energy!
Everything passes eventually. Often, feelings change on their own, but sometimes you end up perpetuating feeling terrible for longer than you need to.
Listen to your intuition. If you don’t know how to do that, practice. Experiment with sleeping on it before deciding; trusting your instincts; taking five minutes to write at the end of the day; asking a friend to listen to you. You do know how to follow your intuition; just practice flexing that muscle.
The human mind can and WILL work to justify anything you want to believe, and anything you do. Don’t let yourself be deceived away from the truth by the powerful gymnastics your mind is performing to keep you deluded. Facing the truth can be hard, but is worth it.
Don’t identify with the things that make you unwell. Those things are not you, just parts of life that you’re experiencing.
Resist the urge to pathologize normal fluctuations of life. You’ll naturally go up and down like a roller coaster all throughout life. But, don’t resist getting help when it’s too much to handle. What you think are ‘normal fluctuations’ might actually be worth pathologizing and treating more medically.
You don’t have it all figured out! You never will! Don’t trust when people say they do have it all figured out!
You aren’t better than anyone else, and vice versa.
Stop trying to impress people; work on becoming a better version of yourself.
If you don’t know what to do with your life — pay attention to what you’re interested in; to what feels right; to what you enjoy, even if it’s small and seemingly insignificant. Life gives you endless opportunities to recognize what direction to go in. Your desires are here for a reason, follow them.
If you want something different or better in your life, you’ve got to be willing to live with empty space in the meantime. Don’t rush to fill it—be patient. It’s worth it.
I’d love to know—which one resonates with you the most? Alternatively, leave additional bits of actual self-development advice below.
All my love,
Maggie
I know some people consider aspects of social media to be a community; I understand this perspective but don’t choose to follow it.
Also, if you had to pick one piece of advice from this list to tell every person, could you narrow it down to a holy grail? One piece of advice almost everyone could benefit from?
Points #20 and down I would love to hear more of your thoughts! How can you tell what is coddling vs giving yourself grace, how can you tell what is your intuition/desire? This is a great collection of advice, but I know you have more to say about almost all of these!