Thank you for writing this post. It reads like you were picking my brain. I've been a neurotic person, and a few personality assessments confirmed my rigid, black-and-white thinking.
I easily nodded along your essay, eyes scanning the similarities in our thought processes. The more difficult life has become, the more I double up the effort to be dogmatic in my rituals. Eating is the easiest for me to control as my mind is set on a specific body type, starving myself in the process.
The more physical symptoms that my body was screaming for nutrition, the more rigid I exercised my rules because I thought those symptoms were due to me being less perfect in following the rules.
The hypoglycaemia sensations? Yep, I needed to cut out more carbs/sugar.
No menstruation for more than a year? Cutting out plastics, perfume, all parabens, and switching off my router at night for fear of the waves disrupting my hormones, etc.
Soon, I didn't go out with friends, I was afraid I could get exposed to bad chemicals. I looked everywhere but the only place out of compassion: to eat more, to not restrict.
It's an ongoing process to relinquish control. But now, I just eat more.
Here's a token of appreciation as my parent tried to knock some sense into me (short-lived, back to rigidity, until eventually all rigid rules got eliminated and my healing journey took a complete opposite direction, which was to introduce more food groups, rather than cutting).
Hi Sekar, thanks so much for your comment—I’m glad we aren’t alone. I understand the paraben and plastic paranoia—been there!! And still go there occasionally, to be honest.
The more I taste freedom and recovery, the less attached I feel to rigidity and paranoia. Feels scary but worth it.
Hello Maggie,
Thank you for writing this post. It reads like you were picking my brain. I've been a neurotic person, and a few personality assessments confirmed my rigid, black-and-white thinking.
I easily nodded along your essay, eyes scanning the similarities in our thought processes. The more difficult life has become, the more I double up the effort to be dogmatic in my rituals. Eating is the easiest for me to control as my mind is set on a specific body type, starving myself in the process.
The more physical symptoms that my body was screaming for nutrition, the more rigid I exercised my rules because I thought those symptoms were due to me being less perfect in following the rules.
The hypoglycaemia sensations? Yep, I needed to cut out more carbs/sugar.
No menstruation for more than a year? Cutting out plastics, perfume, all parabens, and switching off my router at night for fear of the waves disrupting my hormones, etc.
Soon, I didn't go out with friends, I was afraid I could get exposed to bad chemicals. I looked everywhere but the only place out of compassion: to eat more, to not restrict.
It's an ongoing process to relinquish control. But now, I just eat more.
Here's a token of appreciation as my parent tried to knock some sense into me (short-lived, back to rigidity, until eventually all rigid rules got eliminated and my healing journey took a complete opposite direction, which was to introduce more food groups, rather than cutting).
https://sekarlangit.substack.com/p/restrictive-eating-leads-to-less?utm_source=publication-search
Hi Sekar, thanks so much for your comment—I’m glad we aren’t alone. I understand the paraben and plastic paranoia—been there!! And still go there occasionally, to be honest.
The more I taste freedom and recovery, the less attached I feel to rigidity and paranoia. Feels scary but worth it.
Thanks for sharing your work 💙
You’re pretty good just the way you are.
I loved loved loved this piece, & absolutely resonated with your takes on life. Thank you for sharing this with us… & for practicing flexibility!!