For the Sake of the Experience Itself.
The beauty of unmet expectations.
Unmet Expectations.
I went out dancing twice over the weekend: vastly different experiences, but equally interesting. The first I expected to love and didn’t; the music was disappointing and the vibes, which felt vaguely forced, were unimpressive. The second night, I arrived in a foul mood and came away having had a blast and feeling enamored and alive. I feel, now, relatively neutral about both—they were just two experiences that happened.
I think a lot about having an experience simply for the sake of it. It’s become my predominant attitude about most things: I am endlessly curious about tasting a variety of different experiences, just to see what they might be like.
Consequently, I’ve found myself in many chaotic circumstances: ones that are unpleasant or painful or dreadfully disappointing. I’ve discovered that these experiences are usually incredibly enriching, that I am better for having gone through them, and that expecting for things to be different than I think or hope they will be is the only expectation that is consistently met. There is no way to know how something will turn out until it happens, and adopting the perspective that each experience can be valuable simply for its own sake has been extraordinarily expansive.
Unattached to Outcome.
Expectations, like emotions, arise and are relatively uncontrollable. They are born from our desires or hopes or mental conceptions of what we think might happen. It is often only in retrospect, after our hopes have fallen, that we realize we had any sort of expectation at all about how it would go.1
Wanting something to happen is not a crime; it is an ordinary aspect of living as a human. We cannot help but get our hopes up or create expectations of what we think we want, and we cannot control when we are let down or surprised by the way it actually plays out. This is a way we dance with life: our inner world is in constant dynamic engagement with the outer world.
It is not hope or desire that can create problems, but the clinging to that desire or hope. This is why the Buddha said “the root of suffering is attachment:” clinging is what takes you out of the present moment and leaves you out of sync with reality. Clinging creates resistance, which angst and pain usually follow.
You can let yourself hope for things and have expectations—this is ok. And, you can also remember that your expectations or desires may never be met, simply because there are many things, including the future, over which you have no control. Instead of holding on, practice detachment; allow it all to pass through; let things go.
Risen and Fallen Hopes.
I think often of this line in this excellent song by Ripe: “I don’t mind if this only lasts a while, baby // I don’t think forever tastes as sweet.” This sentiment feels so juicy—we know that nothing lasts forever, so why not be open to living as fully and honestly while we’re here, even if we may well incur painful endings? Maybe we’re just here to have some experiences, feel what they’re like, and learn some things from them.
The following is an excerpt from something I wrote (to myself) two summers ago after being very in love, and it still rings true. (I did not adjust the grammar.)
Get your hopes up and have them be destroyed, it’s ok.
You’ll be ok, disappointment is actually ok to experience, it just means you dared to feel deeply enough to want something. And that longing will change you. It will continue to affect you long after you long for it.
You’ll always be disappointed, because that’s how life works—you won’t always get what you want, and you’ll be sad. You might as well let yourself dream, and hope, and get excited about something that seems like it’s going to happen and then celebrate if it does and cry if it doesn’t, and you will ultimately be ok.
Daring to hope and dream and long for and desire things will open you up to new possibilities because you risked going there. You softened enough to let yourself feel it all, and that is always worth doing.
So keep delighting in the fun of wanting things to happen, and then let it all go. Breathe, and keep moving, and see what happens.
Daring to get your hopes up means you’ve let yourself feel something true, and this is where we can find so much flavor in life. If you’re hoping for something—let the hope in; give it time and space; allow it to envelop you. Let yourself really want it. And then, let it go.
Sometimes you will be disappointed, and sometimes you will be surprised. Sometimes it will be better, or worse, than you thought. It might not be supposed to work out, and it might be really interesting and wonderful to try anyways.
Maybe you’re meant to just see what happens next.
Maggie
I’m talking primarily about expectations that are self-imposed or generated, not ones that are placed on us by others or society.
Like that lyric line.