Good Enough
A perfectionist’s nightmare; a perfectionist’s dream.
There’s a heuristic I learned early in graduate school called the “1/3 Good Enough” parenting rule. It’s based on research by pediatrician Dr. Donald Winnicott in the 1950s, which found that if you are a responsive, engaged parent about 30% of the time, your child will usually turn out fine: relatively happy and healthy, well-adjusted, etc.1 In other words, if you are parenting a child or adolescent and you respond to their emotions or problems appropriately, adaptively, and empathetically 1 out of every 3 times, you’re good. The overall point of this research is to demonstrate that parenting a child “perfectly“ is an impossible goal. It’s ok to shoot for good rather than perfect, and to accept that as good enough.
Regardless of if you are a parent, the good enough framework is well-suited for a life philosophy, especially if you are a current or former perfectionist.
Any perfectionists out there? Anyone who gets lost in the sea of striving for better; who is obsessed with “optimization”; who is plagued by the haunting notion that nothing you do can ever be good enough?
I hope you’re here; you’re in good company.
While striving for better can be a positive quality in one’s life, it can also add unnecessary stress. An attitude of constantly seeking better can easily turn into a pervasive feeling of lack, or that something is wrong. It can translate to an inability to experience satisfaction unless our impossible internal standards are reached—which is to say, never. Perfectionism, by other names, is a relentless pressure to keep going, to keep working, to do better, to never be satisfied. In my experience, striving for perfection has never, ever, originated from a place of peace or love. Instead, it often stems from fear or a sense of self-worth dependent on achievement and external measures of success. If you ever tell the perfectionist voice inside of you, “Alright, we can stop now, this is perfect,” that voice will likely shoot back, “No, it’s not.” Perfect is not a place we can go or a milestone we can achieve, but a theoretical mindset that remains just out of reach.
Enter: good enough. Good enough, as a general rule of thumb, has actually turned out to be an incredibly supportive motto in my life. (And, admittedly, a hard one to put into practice.)
Adopting a mindset of good enough doesn’t give us permission to not try at all or to settle for inadequacy, but does give us permission to enjoy the fruit of our labor while it’s ripe. Experimenting with the idea of good enough creates space in our minds to recognize that it could actually be…true.
As I wrote about a few weeks ago, the first step toward making positive changes in our lives is often the mere consideration that something different could be true. The phrase “I am willing to consider or to believe that…” is your friend, here. For all those who hear the echoes of ‘Not good enough’ chime in your head all too often, here’s a thought experiment for you: Are you willing to consider that instead of striving to outperform the not good enough voice in your head, you could actually achieve a state of good enough by accepting things as they are, right now?
Merely contemplating this notion pauses your mental chase for perfection and encourages you to feel what is present and to notice what is genuinely good around you, already.
Upon first considering that I and what I was doing was good enough, I feared that I would settle into complacency, inadequacy, or poor life performance. In short, I feared not being good enough. In practice, I found my fears nullified: when I am able to accept that my work and self are good enough, I have more room in my life to engage in other things that contribute to my overall satisfaction and happiness. Letting go of the expectation of perfection creates more space in my mind, space that I can then direct toward other worthy pursuits, or simply toward noticing what already is good, right here, right now.
As it turns out, the biggest thing standing between me and feeling satisfied was the idea that I had to work harder to get there.
The hidden benefit of adopting a good enough lifestyle is that you’ll be more satisfied. This may seem contradictory, but it isn’t: losing perfectionism means you’ll have more time to spend on enjoying life and people, or for meaningful work. A good enough lifestyle slows us down, and allows us to experience satisfaction and peace when it naturally arises, free from the expectation of perfection.
As the “1/3 Good Enough” parenting rule teaches us: if you’re performing optimally—that is, at your best—around 30% of the time, you’re good. Chances are, if you’re willing to consider that you and what you’re doing is good enough, you may very well see that it’s already true.
Wishing you all a good enough day,
Maggie
Needless to say, this rule considers it a given that your child is not being abused or neglected, and that they have all their basic needs met.