Lightening Up
It doesn’t always have to be so serious.
In the era of constantly validating our neuroses—by ourselves and by others—it seems that offering direct advice has become sort of taboo. Dare we suggest that we have something wise that someone might benefit from listening to? Might we not continuously validate the feelings of the people around us; might we tell them what we actually think? It’s one thing to respect someone’s agency and individuality; it’s another to merely nod along and swallow our words at the expense of the truth. Though it isn’t always possible or smart to tell someone what we really think, the people in our lives deserve kind and honest responses from us.
I think we spend so much time wandering around our own head trips that hearing truth sometimes can feel jarring or upsetting—how annoying it is, to be told to stop worrying or complaining; to quit blaming others for your problems.
But what if that annoyance is just signaling to you that the advice is correct? What if the reactivity is a shield you’re using to get out of taking responsibility for your own life? Maybe you really do just need to try and stop worrying or complaining. My dad told me to ‘lighten up’ recently, and after initially being irritated that I wasn’t already lightened-up enough, I recognized the truth in his advice. I did just need to lighten a little; to chill out. I didn’t need validation, I needed to stop gazing at my navel and put my feet in the grass.
. .
We’ve come a long way from the blank-slate therapist—the ones who sit across from you and ask blankly “and how do you feel about that”. (I’m pretty sure Freud was the guy behind this theory.) The late psychologist Carl Rogers brought much more humanity to the role of the therapist with his person-centered approach. In order to actually create therapeutic change, he says, the therapist must: listen empathically (understand what the client is saying), offer unconditional positive regard (with nonjudgment and acceptance) and be authentic (he calls this congruence; when what you are saying is congruent with what you want to be saying).1
Not that we are therapists, or need to pretend to be in our daily interactions; nevertheless, Rogers’ framework is useful for being good friends and lovers. We are so often lost in the drama of our lives and our minds; we do not need to be validated for being gone, we need to be reminded to come back up for air in a clear and compassionate way.
Trust is built through honesty; a trusting relationship is not possible if we are only attempting to validate the experiences of the other. In fact, maybe their experience isn’t valid—maybe it doesn’t really make sense and they should move on from trying to make it make sense.
There are ways to give direct, honest advice and responses without demanding the other listen to it. There are also ways to receive honest advice with humility and an open heart. We can strive to be trusting and trusted in all of our relationships.
Who we surround ourselves with are possibly some of the most important choices we can make: choose people who see your higher potential; people who help you grow. Choose people who are willing to tell you their real opinion and not just what your mind or ego want to hear.
The best advice is so often very simple, and so often what we already know. Lighten up and go outside. It doesn’t always have to be so serious.
Maggie
I am so taking that in today Maggie. Thank you.