Operating From Peace

How irresponsible, how revolutionary would we be, if peace and relaxation were our more frequent baseline.

I went to see

Elizabeth Gilbert

speak last week; what a powerful, gracious presence. Like millions of other people, I’ve been drawn to her for years; not necessarily because of her memoir Eat, Pray, Love, but because of what else she has continued to write and how she has continued to live. If I were to choose what I most admire about this woman, it is: she lets herself into the darkest and lightest cracks of her human experience. She rides the turbulent roller coaster of life with a playful self-awareness; she is not immune to the plights and frivolities of being alive. Basically, she’s really good at being a human (or at least, the kind of human I look up to).

She told the story of Richard from Texas, a man she met in India who had incurred great trauma in his early life. Richard went in and out of rehab until a near death experience brought him to a place where he felt—experienced, rather—a state of tremendous okayness, or as some would call it, divine love. After he came back to consciousness, his signature catch-phrase became “it’s all gonna be alright”, and as Gilbert tells it, he lived the rest of his life as an embodiment of this phrase. He died relaxed.

She went on to speak about the language we typically use to describe empowered people¹: strong, brave, resilient, persistent, engaged, motivated, etc. These words describe qualities that generally, we all want to be. And, Gilbert says, there is another quality that if we truly embodied, would translate to the kind of empowerment that would rapidly transform families, cultures, and the world: that quality, she says, is relaxed. The audience laughed at this—how ridiculous, right, how irresponsible would it be to be relaxed.

I can’t be relaxed/peaceful/calm because [fill it in, I know you can].

The arguments against relaxation continue endlessly: the world is going to shit, people are dying at the hands of unbelievable cruelty, I don’t have enough money, I’m just wired to be anxious, I’m burnt out, we’re destroying the planet, children are being maltreated every day…

When we frame relaxation or peace with the above perspective, it does seem irresponsible and culturally tone deaf to say something like “it’s all gonna be alright.” Instead, how about reciting the now ubiquitous bumper sticker, “If you aren’t angry, you aren’t paying attention”?² Is that better?

What if both of these phrases are laced with truth?

Relaxation, as Gilbert quipped, does not mean you need hot stones on your back in a steam room, nor does it equate to soothing yourself with the right self-care practices all day long. To be relaxed means to occupy a state of being that is unshakably steady and powerful; and in Gilbert’s words, “the most relaxed person in the room holds the most power.” People who are authentically relaxed and peaceful are some of the wisest, most ‘in touch’ people among us. If you find one of them, you’ll likely discover that they are not naive, oblivious ostriches with their heads in the sand. Instead, these people remain alarmingly awake to the terrible tragedies of the world, and in equal part, the world’s undeniable beauty. Amidst bearing witness to and experiencing tragedy, heartbreak, and grief, these wise, relaxed beings are still being able to access that place of divine, calm love inside. This place, if we dare touch it, is actually calm, and if we touch it enough, we might actually become more relaxed.

To name a few mystics and spiritual leaders who, one could argue, fit the bill of what we’re discussing:

Mother Teresa. Anandamayi Ma. The Buddha. Rumi. Paramahamsa Yogananda. Thich Nhat Hanh. Ram Dass. The Dalai Lama. Eckhart Tolle. Pema Chodron.

If you comb through the teachings from these people, they each seem to come from virtually the same place—a place that sounds and feels a lot like…relaxation. Peace. Serenity. Love.

Is this arbitrary, that every one of them says the same thing? Unlikely.

Spiritual awakening, or enlightenment, does not need to be the goal for most of us. Still, we can all stand to be more relaxed, and operate more often from peace. We can certainly learn from those who have dedicated their lives to spiritual practice, or to walking the path of awakening. They really do kind of all say the same thing: that there is a place of divine, calm love within us that we can access at any time, which never leaves. They may give different stories for conceptualizing this place of divine love, but any spiritual teacher worth their salt will agree that everyone has it in them; that it does not discriminate based on worldly labels.

So, then, how do we access this divine, calm love; this sense of okayness with the way things are, right now? Usually, the consensus is to stay with the pain and the joy. It’s to keep your eyes and heart open to all of it, and still feel for the presence of peace underneath it all.

In the words of Pema Chodron, the American Tibetan Buddhist,

“To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path.” 

“Instead of transcending the suffering of all creatures, we move toward turbulence and doubt however we can. We explore the reality and unpredictability of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away.”

To put it slightly differently, in Ram Dass’ words, “It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed.”

So, yes, pay attention to atrocities and feel the anger. Let yourself into it. Stay with it. Eventually, if you stay long enough with any pain, it will yield to something warmer. It will lend itself to the next step, the next moment. Underneath that emotion, behind the veil of your conscious awareness, is a place of divine, calm love. It’s there, just feel your way to it. Ask for it. Be patient and trust that it exists.

I’ve written before about the Substack

Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert

, and how important the practice of writing to and from love has been for me. It’s given me enough faith to keep trusting that yes, this place of unshakable calm, divine love does exist within me, and in everyone else. As Gilbert shared the other night, the message she most often receives from love is “I’m right here. I’m never going anywhere.”

If all of this relaxation and peace sounds like hogwash to you, or you want to reject the notion that being okay is possible— recognize that response, too. You can’t force your way anywhere. But if it feels interesting to experiment with, go ahead and experiment with…being more relaxed. How curious it would be if more moments of our days were infused with the energy of “it’s all gonna be alright”. Not because we are naively optimistic, but because we face everything that comes our way: the positive, the atrocious, the gut-wrenching suffering we see. Everywhere we look, we sit with it, and see if we can still access that place of peace.

. .  

We know that our attitudes and psyches affect the people we encounter and the world around us, and that operating from a state of peace creates more positive effects on those people and the world. This makes it our responsibility to tend to our attitudes and psyches.

From Pema Chodron’s book, When Things Fall Apart, (which, notably, was published nearly 30 years ago):

“Times are difficult globally; awakening is no longer a luxury or an ideal. It’s becoming critical. We don’t need to add more depression, more discouragement, or more anger to what’s already here. It’s becoming essential that we learn how to relate sanely with difficult times. The earth seems to be beseeching us to connect with joy and discover our innermost essence. This is the best way we can benefit others.”

So, be angry and sad, and be joyful and delighted, and know that underneath it all, is a place of unshakable, peaceful love that will never go away. May we live more moments with an awareness of that place, and see how it ripples outward.

Thank you,

Elizabeth Gilbert

, for speaking from peace.

Maggie

1. She focused this segment on women, specifically; however, it applies to everyone.

2. I can’t find who originally said this; it might be the Rage Against the Machine musician Tom Morello in the 80s, or