Making Meaning & Shifting Perspectives

We can’t control what happens, but we can change the way we think about it.

For the next two years, you may be waking up on Tuesdays to read reflections on what I’m learning in therapy school. Is that cool? 

If it is, welcome back, I’m glad you’re here. 

We’ll start with the practice of making meaning out of the events in our lives—which every one of us does all day long. In the words of psychologist Dr. David Paré, “Meaning is the spin people put on their experience.” While other professions deal with the objective facts of what happened (like medical doctors), counseling deals with the subjective experience of the client.¹ The client, in this case, is all of us.

In other words, we create meaning and adopt perspectives about what happens in our lives based on the context in which we have lived up until now. We are limited by where we are situated in the world and what we have access to. Our genes, environment, social backgrounds, cultural upbringings, and the kind of schooling we received all contribute to the way we view what’s going on—and none of those factors were up to us. (For more about the science of free will, read here.) In a world where most of what occurs is not under our control, our mindset and ability to create meaning are where we may find some agency. Let’s take the person who just got laid off from their job. To person A, being laid off means they were deeply wronged by their boss, and thus they feel targeted and angry. They may then continue on with this attitude, and spend the next months angrily applying to jobs until they land one they may or may not hate. Person B may appraise the same layoff as a result of a dip in the market, and harbor no anger toward their boss. Their self-worth remains strong; to person B, being laid off means they now have the freedom to launch down a path they’ve always wanted to go down.

The ways in which we interpret life events varies widely, based on who and where we are. To continue with the layoff scenario: a single mom with no extra financial support will experience being laid off very differently than someone from a solid two-income household. To the former, a layoff means months of scavenging for enough resources; to the latter, it means some nice time off. The single mom may not even may not even have time to consider alternate possibilities for herself; nevertheless, multiple meanings (or ways forward) are still available for her. While she may be under intense stress to provide, she may still treat the situation as a means to spend time with her children, find a more stable job she enjoys, or turn down another path she may not have chosen had she not gotten laid off. In all cases, the situation means something different.

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When we accept responsibility for the perspectives we hold and the meaning we derive from something, we are more able to build lives we genuinely enjoy. We go from operating on default mode to creating the kind of person we are, and more confidently navigating the shit that comes our way.

Meaning often changes over time. Right after you’re dumped by the person you thought you’d be with forever, the meaning (or story) you tell yourself is probably a lot more dismal than it is six years down the road. You may go from “this means I’m unlovable and my entire life is falling apart” to “This breakup meant I got to change for the better—it turned out to be exactly the wake-up call I needed.”

When we hold on tightly to how we perceive life events right now, we may prevent them from teaching us and propelling us in different directions over time. Instead, we can let them change as we grow, and alter our perspectives in ways that feel more constructive.

We always have the ability to alter our perspectives and appraise differently the things that happen to us. This is where therapy can come in for many people. Here is what Dr. Paré says: “there are always many meanings available to [us] —many stories to tell—which is key to what makes counseling and psychotherapy helpful.” Part of going to therapy—or endeavoring upon any self-help escapade—involves creating new meanings and telling new stories about our lives and who we are. It’s possible to feel better about where and who you are, simply by allowing the way you think about these things to change. Letting your internal horizons expand to include alternate meanings has the potential to help you a lot.

The concepts of perspective-shifting and making-meaning can be so important to all of us: We have the potential to feel better, just by the way we think and talk to ourselves about it. That’s amazing! A different mindset can shift and expand the world of possibility we see before us, and we may as well use that to our advantage.

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In the face of something challenging, you might indeed slip into a rotten outlook and believe this means life is out to get you and you can’t do anything about it. That’s ok, it’s often part of your process to feel like that. But remain open to altering how you’re considering this situation, and yourself in this context: it may change. By staying open to different ways of thinking about something, we may organically arrive at a place where we can see the opportunities we otherwise may not have seen in our rotten-outlook state. After a while, it may even seem like something to be grateful for.

Even something as simple as a canceled plan can illuminate the default mode of meaning we typically operate from: Does this canceled plan mean your friend hates you, and thus you spend your night upset? Or does it mean you trust your friend who canceled even more and are then free to watch the movie you’ve been waiting for? (And if that friend cancels on you the next three times you try to hang out, the situation takes on different meanings entirely: They’re avoiding you; they’re depressed.)

When you become aware of the meaning you are deriving from something that happened—big or small—you then get to do something with it. Is the way you’re thinking about it helpful to you? Is it limiting you? Might you consider that “this” means something totally different for your life than you originally thought? Might you be wrong about what “this” means about you?

Chances are, there are places in your life that could benefit from shifting your perspective about it. We get to co-create new meanings about who we are and where we are going, and we can do it from wherever we are, right now.

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Whatever is going on in your life right now, I guarantee there are a dozen (or more) other ways you could consider it, and a dozen other ways you could consider who you are in that context. Many of those other ways probably feel a whole lot better than the way you’re thinking right now. Try one out, see how it feels. Therapy certainly isn’t required in this process, either: A conversation with a friend or a good book may similarly shift your perception and help you create new meanings about what’s going on and new possibilities for the path forward.

It’s true that most of what will happen in your life is not going to be under your control. At least, you can have some agency over whether you change the way you think about what happens. So, let your perspective change. Let the meaning you ascribe to the events in your life change—or rather, let meaning reveal itself to you. Whatever is going on right now will probably mean something entirely different to you in ten years. Don’t try to predict it, don’t worry about any of it. Just let it all unfold.

Maggie

1. From “The Practice of Collaborative Counseling and Psychotherapy” by Dr. David A. Pare, published 2012.